Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Orange Crush

Everyone knows that the single most important invention of the 20th century was the creation of black laundry detergent. Over were the days when black clad individuals had to roam the streets covered in disturbing white smears and splotches, resembling sloppy eaters (of one kind or another.) Now it seems that the “powers that be” became aware of the counter culture contentment and decided to do something about it. The coveted detergent suddenly became wildly overpriced and hidden with other products geared toward degenerates such as rat poison, pickled cauliflower and methamphetamine ingredients (if it was even stocked at all…)

Regardless of what detergent we are forced to use, laundry day is quite a sight to behold around here. Nothing but an overflowing sea of black, punctuated here and there by a daub of charcoal or dismal grey. Now if anyone is interested, Seraph does the washing (in our creepy communal apartment laundry room, complete with circa 1973 linoleum and a thirty year deposit of grim…) and Splendor does the folding. Sorting it all out has become an esoteric science unto itself. One must ascertain whose Carpathian Forest shirt is whose, allot 23 pairs of black socks and determine the ownership issues of about 40 black hoodies, 15 or so being COMPLETELY IDENTICAL to the untrained eye. All we can hope for at the end of the day is that order has been re-established and that the neighbor lady hasn’t started stealing our underpants again (true story…)

Now nothing fades our dark mood quite as quickly as people who DO NOT for whatever reason follow the simple principal of a dark and dreary wardrobe. This time of year seems to bring out the worst of vivid summer dresses, pastel plaid shorts and pink halter tops. The worst offenders seem to be people who play group sports (WHY???), where colors go from cringe inducing to downright migraine causing.

French couturier Michel Klein’s fabulous farmhouse…

There is a Boys & Girls Club here in our neighborhood that seems to always contain A GROUP OF FULL GROWN ADULTS (!?!) playing of all things the evil and morally questionable game of kick ball. Now these freaks dress up in their garish, brightly colored sports costumes, er, uniforms and run around the field like complete idiots. We swear to darkness that the other day one of these weirdoes had a pink plush teddy bear strapped to the side of his head with a fuzzy white sweatband. Our recollection of the rules of kick ball that were beaten into us as children by our sadistic PE teachers are sketchy at best (probably due to the blood loss and head injuries…) but we DO NOT recall a outfield position that requires you lash a stuffed animal to your (obviously empty) cranium… Sometimes we scream “get the %&$# off of the playfield dumbasses, you are frightening the children, assorted small animals and THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE ITSELF” , other times we just evoke the name of the Dark Lord himself and hope matters take care of themselves…

Now all kidding aside (hmmm…kidding were we?) there is a time and a place for colors other than black. Here is a selection of burnt oranges, dingy gingers and murky melons that we find quite appealing. By the way, the lead picture in this post is Seraph + Splendor's "Harem Corner" in the master bedroom here at Chintz of Darkness...


I know the way you feel I know it ain't too good
I know it feels like there's detergent in your blood

(“I’m the Doctor” by Motorhead)


Anonymous said...

'pastel plaid shorts'

A truly cringe-worthy thought.


Hexotica said...

haha! I love this blog.
My partner and I are also avid black wash users and unfortunately live in an area where lots of people where black, so we're always lucky if we score the black wash or black hair dye in the local grocery store!

Seraph + Splendor said...

So glad someone understands about the value of black laundry detergent...what would we do without it?

Carla Fox said...

...dingy gingers and murky melons--I love it! And, I love the "Harem Corner" too. Great imagery. Now I'll have nightmares in which I'm being chased by kick balls whilst wearing a pink tube top. Horrors!

Anonymous said...

A great blog that may interest you:

It's almost as wonderful as yours ;)


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