Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Dismembers Only...

You know when you spend the better part of an afternoon looking for the hacksaw and a copy of “Taxidermy for Dummies” Volume 1 AND 2 that it must be time for an update on this summer’s family reunion. We apologize in advance to anyone reading this that actually has a happy and well adjusted extended family. We have never actually met anyone who does, but there must to someone out there somewhere…

Now when the blessed (HA!) day finally arrived things immediately got off to a bad start. The temperatures were forecast to reach into the triple digits and thus we were both forecast to be in a crappy mood for having to spend an afternoon outside in brain melding, skin searing weather. We were tempted to bring some parasols, but the only ones we appear to own are made of crackling antique lacquered paper that would have spontaneously combusted and lit our heads on fire. Now that probably would have entertained the kids (who were those kids, anyway?) for awhile, but we would NOT have found that amusing in the least.

Things continued to go downhill when Splendor’s dear father FLAT OUT REFUSED to get in the car and announced he would be spending the day at home alone. Now mind you, dear readers, this reunion was completely comprised of his siblings and their evil spawns and assorted progenies. We did not realize that this was an event one could opt out of at the last minute and instead spend the day (more productively) surfing craigslist and drinking beer, while sending his wife, daughter and son-in-law to do his dirty work. Perhaps this caused a minor tantrum on our part - no one will ever know (well, besides a six block radius of neighbors who undoubtedly heard the screaming…)

As we rolled up to the reunion, fatherless and pissed, in our black gas guzzling doom mobile (that no, we DID NOT cast aside like a dirty sock in that stupid Cash for Yuppies, er Clunkers program) we were greeted by an assortment of relatives, who to be honest looked less than thrilled to see us. After a rigorous interrogation as to the whereabouts of Splendor’s missing father we were allowed out in the yard to eat some salad and observe people barbequing creepy looking meat products.

Now on the surface everything at the reunion seemed to go relatively well. Crying was kept to a minimum, no fist fights or dog maulings occurred and there were no outright acts of incestuous flirtations. We put in our time, behaved ourselves and even dutifully submitted to have our pictures taken. Then we quietly slunk home to Land of Darkness and Misanthropy (otherwise known as our apartment.) Over the ensuing weeks our minor angers and irritations faded like our sunburns until we received an email with a link to the online album of reunion pictures. Cringingly we perused the pictures only to find that NOT ONE IMAGE of us was included. Not only were there pictures of every other family member in attendance, but also images of the mailman, a pack of stray dogs and the garden gate…all of this has put us in a mood to dismember our family’s self appointed photographers, oh excuse us, photojournalists. Here are some our inspirations…

You have no choice of life or death
My face you will not see
I'll rip your flesh 'till there's no breath
Dismembered destiny

(Piece by Piece by Slayer)


{Tara} said...

Horrible reunion story {so sorry}...but, fabulous pictures inspired by the desire to mutilate! I am particularly obsessed with hands. My sister brought back an amazing antique carved wood hand from Sri Lanka for me, and ever since then, I've been collecting hands. The fingers come in quite handy, actually, for displaying and organizing various things...

Seraph + Splendor said...

Hands are the best, and GREAT for odd displays. We have a few dark reliquary / stigmata vignettes that always seem to move around when we are not looking...


If only they realized that 50 years from now, your photos would have been the only ones worth saving when the family albums were tossed or sold at their estate sale. Meow! You'll know better next year huh?
I love the imagery supporting your story. As always! Back after a brief (2 month) absence and catching up with everyone.
And yes, I know no family without dysfunction. Mine included.
Take care,
Lisa & Alfie

Seraph + Splendor said...

Hi Guys,

Great to have you back! Thanks for the kind words - you have no idea how crazy the politics are regarding photos in our families!

Aflie looks darling as usual!

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