Thursday, October 22, 2009

Costume Brawl



Judging from the looks we get in the grocery store we assume that we do not appear completely normal and assimilated with the society at large. Some weirdo is always gawking at us while we are selecting our day’s fruits and vegetables with an expression that seems to say “why aren’t you freaks in the smoke crack / worship Satan isle (oh, that is going to fill up the hate mail bag here at Chintz of Darkness…AGAIN…) And by the way that isle is usually right next to the orange juice and breakfast cereal … not that we would know…





Now just so that the correct picture is painted, we are not one of those lovely Gothic couples with perfect eyebrows (damn them, we shall infiltrate their ranks and steal their secrets) and gazelle like grace. No, dear ones, we are MUCH, MUCH worse. With that said, it usually comes as a surprise that we do not enjoy dressing up for Halloween. Every year there is some dumbass article on how to pick the PERFECT costume. “Dress as the person or thing you would most like to be” seems to be a popular concept. Now does anyone REALLY want to endure that at their next Halloween party, with our fiery horns poking everyone in the eyes and our tails singeing holes in the carpet? Another option that is often presented is to dress “OPPOSITE” of one’s normal self. HA! Do you really want to see Splendor with her hair brushed properly, wearing a white blouse and a sun bonnet? Or Seraph with his infernal aura covered by a sports jersey or a priest costume? Or perhaps, the insipid article will go on to say: “costume yourself as your hero, the person you look up to the most.” That is not going to work for us either, again just too much fire and brimstone to clean up in the morning…





For those of you still planning to take the plunge, we have gathered together a few helpful (?) ideas…Dressing as a piece of furniture is quite esthetically challenging, not to mention rather bulky and cumbersome. This fabulous 1960’s Swedish window display pictured above is an inspiration none the less. In our opinion installing a functional chest of drawers onto one’s torso is taking the concept TOO FAR. To simplify the outfit one could always attach drawer pull to one’s nipples or if shy to ones knee caps…





Costuming yourself as a book is wonderful for the literary minded. You can spend the evening with your pages romantically fluttering in the wind and your dust jacket can serve as a makeshift bib at the buffet table. Another advantage to this costume is if the night gets truly dull you can always go home and read yourself…hmmm…





A drapery treatment is a perfect costume for anyone in the design field (please note the lovely example that leads this post). You can use tricky words like galloon, jabot and fustian to confuse and frighten your friends and neighbors. It is a wonder that Seraph is not already swathed in goblet pleats and cockades with a lambrequin draped from arm to arm. We once had a client who would turn a becoming shade of scarlet every time we uttered the word “cockade” and we could never figure out why… (Side note: Seraph actually HAS been used as a semi surly living mannequin at times, adorned in elaborate headdresses that we made for charity balls …also, but DO NOT tell anyone, he has been known to drape himself in an elaborately appliqu├ęd parlor blanket and run around the studio like a baroque superhero (and this was on a strictly voluntary basis.) Perhaps, after everything is said and done, everyday IS Halloween around here… (Thanks for that one Uncle Al!)





Halloween is the night
The legend says the ghost will rise
On Halloween they can't redeem
A restless soul from ancient scene
At the sound of the demon bell
Everything will turn to hell


("At The Sound of The Demon Bell" by Mercyful Fate)

Monday, October 12, 2009

Tented Gloom



OK, here at Chintz of Darkness we have participated in some strange activities and still have the scars and bruises to prove it, thank you very much. With that clearly stated there still remain several activities that we steadfastly refuse to partake in under any circumstance. Acts so vile and insidious that they cannot be spoken of in polite company and only whispered about in dingy doorways and dark alleys. You may ask, dear readers, what are these evil deeds that must be avoided simply to save ones soul? Why none other the insidious acts of DANCING AND CAMPING. Now we are not even going to dignify the subject of dancing. Suffice to say there are only two reasons one should dance 1) you are being electrocuted 2) NEVER!!! End of subject. 

 



As to the issue of camping, we live in a part of the country where the practice is held up to near mythic proportions. It seems that trudging around in the middle of nowhere trying to find some crappy place to sleep constitutes “communing with nature”. To us this concept is not only overrated but potentially life threatening. Why risk getting lost in the woods, falling down a ravine or getting devoured by a clan of mountain trolls? Every so called “outdoor activity” can be performed effortlessly from the comfort of our own home AND there is no need to get ants in ones pants or bitten by a hobgoblin.





A tented room is a great beginning to ones indoor activities. We started festooning our studio walls with wall hangings and banners as soon as we moved in. Soon the kitchen doorway was transformed into a fearsome entrance to an exotic pavilion with the ceiling draped in cloth of gold. Now the whole design theme has started running rampant. One must duck through gauzy passageways just to find the powder room and we have begun carpeting our apartment’s communal hallway (much to our neighbor’s dismay…)







Another activity that is well suited to the indoors is picnicking. Outdoor picnics are simply out of the question due to the fact that our tablecloth collection has ended up as wall upholstery and our placemats and napkins have been made into pillow sets. It goes without saying what we are not about to pack our fine china into some rickety food stained wicker basket or risk losing a silver spoon in the undergrowth simply to eat our lunch in the yard. Now by “fine china” we of course mean an absinthe fountain, a martini shaker and a set of blood red goblets. As for the silverware, our favorite set is stainless steel and resembles a Karl Blossfeldt photograph. Unfortunately the forks were stolen piece by piece by a pair of thieving ghetto witches that gained access under false pretenses and then riffled through our belongings at will. But that is a story for another day…YIKES, is it any wonder why we are hesitant to leave our abode to go wander around in some park looking at the trees? It is much more fun picnicking on fried chicken and potato salad while lounging around half naked in front of a velvet curtain on a luscious pile of pillows. But if you remain stubborn, dear ones, you can try this outside as well, but there is usually no place to hang the draperies…







In the future perhaps we shall tackle the controversial subject of blending interior decoration with hiking, but until then enjoy our indoor inspirations…


Last but not least, Thomas Britt’s amazingly lovely tent of gloom…



 Goblins of oaks and denizens of darkness
Bathed in the wine of a delightful night...
And lives there, but dies at dawn…
Dies in me with barbarous voice.
The dark forest enchants me!

("The Dark Forest" by Behemoth)
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