Friday, January 8, 2010

Damask of Destruction

Perhaps, dear readers, it has finally come time to change our name to Velvet of Viciousness or perhaps Flannel of Fury (yes, we know that we hail from Seattle so therefore there will be no jokes about GINGHAM OF GRUNGE...) We are not sure if it is just this time of year but there are certain things that have been getting on our nerves as of late. It appears that instead of a shiny new kitten we have a litter of pet peeves instead…

Has design related decorum not to mention the simple of rules size and proportion gone out the window? (We promise you that in this day and age that window would have a hideous unlined drapery treatment in the becoming shade of rancid oatmeal.) Case in point, we simply cannot find sheets that fit. We could understand this phenomenon if we had a sack made of ticking that we occasionally stuffed with hay but our mattress is simply not that old! We distinctly remember purchasing it for an exorbitant amount of money not more than four years ago. Did we miss the meeting when it was decided on to add SIX MORE FREAKING INCHES to the depth of a fitted sheet???

To rectify this problem we were forced to buy a creepy mattress pad that resembles a gigantic waffle straight off the menu of the DENNY’S IN HELL. This fluffy monstrosity caused our formerly imposing (and quite smutty) black tufted headboard to visually sink half a foot. Now instead of resembling a set from a vintage porno movie with an Arabian Nights fetish our bed now appears to be a malevolent black cloud. (Ok, and it STILL kind of looks like a set from a porno movie…)

The design and scale of dishes is another thing that is getting preposterous. It seems that the diameter of a dinner plate is now somewhere between a garbage can lid and a hula hoop. Do not even get us started on coffee cups the size of cereal bowls and cereal bowls the size of sinks. Now we have our fair share of vintage china to make a comparison to. Our heirloom 1950’s set is quite svelte but still functional, while our Victorian china is nearly miniature in scale with handles as fragile as humming bird bones or wisps of smoke. At this point it is only right that we confess to one slight inconstancy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a martini glass the size of a small pond that you can dangle your toes in between sips. (And just think - if you get too tipsy and fall in you can always use the olive as a floatation device...we have done that more times than we can count…damn)

We have decided to edit out the part of this post where we contemplate the silliness of slipcovers. Ok, maybe not… Now if there was ever a piece of furniture that needed to put on a bit more clothing it would be our sofa. We have always considered it rather vampy, clad in black and constantly on the prowl for someone to seduce into its velvety embrace. Although we have caught it on many occasions smoking cigarettes and swearing at the cat, we do not have the heart to punish it by making it wear a uniform (a baggy shapeless uniform at that…HA!) Now comparing slipcovers to a lovely ensemble of body bags awaiting the arrival of the coroners van is pushing the point JUST A LITTLE TOO FAR.

Perhaps we just need, quite literally, a change of scenery. We would be perfectly happy living on a stage set somewhere in the early part of the last century. We find nothing to complain about in these lovely images courteously of Bakst, Diaghilev and company…enjoy.

“I am seeking nuances of richness, of blinding magnificence.” Leon Bakst

Like a flock of hell spawns
And stewards of the son of despite
We parry their guile with the magnificence of disgust
By the evidence of our heavy burden
Lies their mind drowning
Left desiccated without power

("Vredesbyrd" by Dimmu Borgir)


Hexotica said...

And forks the size of pitchforks, spoons the size of shovels...too true!!

Porcelains and Peacocks said...

Hi S + S,

I always enjoy your posts and have nominated you for Kreativ Blogger Award. You get to post seven things that we do not know about you and post seven blogs you love. I think this is like a chain letter award!

Kind regards,

carla fox said...

Love the pictures. One of my pet peeves is people who buy new upholstered furniture and then drape ugly bedspreads over them so they won't get dirty! Whatever happened to see-thru plastic slipcovers, anyway? (I'm joking about the plastic, but not the bedspreads)! As to the size of things, we live in the age of "Super Size".....

Seraph + Splendor said...

Thanks for the comments, everyone!

So true! We think that there are some old family pictures with plastic covers on the lampshades as well...ouch.


MJ said...

Visiting via Chateau Thombeau.

What a stunningly atmospheric blog!

I shall return.

Seraph + Splendor said...

...thanks so much. Please visit again soon!

Jill said...

Nothing pithy to say...

All of the images, however, are right up my alley...where is this alley, you ask?

Seraph + Splendor said...

We do know that the alley in question would have a lovely tented ceiling and oriental carpets on the ground...

Mina Anguelova said...

check out the drawings of Amano

it has a lot to do with all this.

Seraph + Splendor said...

...thanks so much for the link! Absolutely beautiful work!!!

MartinHD said...

I stumbled over your projects and I'm glad I did! Very inspiring! Grts.

Seraph + Splendor said...

So glad that you found us!

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