Monday, February 15, 2010

Wild at Heart

Today was one of those days when we asked ourselves “why did we leave the comfort of our disheveled and dusty halls?” We suppose it was somehow COMPLETELY NECESSARY to have a fresh and nutritious meal instead of dining on the remnants in our vegetable bin (which would have consisted of the delectable combination of wilted celery and a stumpy carrot end…) Or perhaps we should just have eaten that moldering package of Top Ramen that was shoved in the back of the pantry between a biodegrading box of Cheerios and single leopard print sandal (HEY, HOW DID THAT GET THERE?!?)

Needless to say as delicious as all of this sounded we decided to pass. As we entered our favorite grocery shopping establishment we were greeted with herds of people (and we use that term loosely) running up and down the aisles shrieking at the top of their lungs and getting in fist fights over day old boxes of heart shaped cupcakes and some mangy white roses…Now everyone already knows that EVERY DAY IS VALENTINE’S DAY here at Chintz of Darkness but for everyone else Valentine’s Day is FREAKING OVER!!! At this point, we will not mention the reason for our stop at our other favorite shopping establishments. A store where one can procure exquisite leather whips, eight inch patent leather boots and a paddle that leaves a heart shaped welt on one’s posterior…or so we have heard…hmmm…

Having to brave a crowd of weirdos simply to purchase some lettuce reminds us that we have little patience for these insipid times, preferring things to be difficult and overcomplicated like they were in the old days…Remember that time when Splendor decided to make handmade cards for the entire family out of vintage gilded doilies and metal lace that was confiscated from a dead priest robe? Or that summer when Seraph tried to raise a flock of demon hatchlings in his guitar case? And let’s not forget the difficulties with the pack of unicorns… This got us to seriously thinking that perhaps we were NOT BORN IN THE PROPER CENTURY (or for that matter on the appropriate planet.)

As for so called “modern day conveniences”, our cell phones run on pixie dust and string and resemble something out of a Roger Zelazny novel (Nine Princes in Amber is highly recommended). Truth be told, Splendor is rather frightened of hers and hides it under a pile of silk where it cannot watch her sew. Even the land line phone is a complete nuisance, always ringing when one is deep in thought considering question such as “why are we such freaks?” and “why do we insist on pointing it out to the entire world?” One apparatus we WILL NOT complain about is our answering machine because it allows us to avoid odd inquiries and all sorts of questions for which we have no answer for.

We seem to prefer other things rather old fangled, as well. For a time we wandered our hallways by torch light alone, that was until we scorched the draperies and frightened away the bats. Now we content ourselves with the glow of candlelight and the occasional lantern. As for most other gadgets and gizmos, we simply have chosen to live without them. We abandoned our microwave years ago and use the dishwasher to store napkins and cans of beer. Do not even get us started on Panini presses. Trust us, dear readers, all you really need is a frying pan and a large rock…and that goes for making Panini sandwiches, as well. HA!

Tell us, dear readers, what inspires you to walk on the wild side…

Hear the call for war, the master calling his
Warriors to explore by the sign of the horns
As the dawn arises the souls of a thousand
Young men shall go wild
As the fire shines into the night they're sitting by
The campfires awaiting the dawn

("Black Winds" by Satyricon)
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