Sunday, March 21, 2010

Good Housekeeping

It looks as if Spring is finally here. That dreaded time of year when the first brilliant shaft of sunlight pierces through the murky windows and illuminates a winter long accumulation of dust, grime, crumbs and other d├ęcor related blasphemies that have amassed over the winter months. It would appear that the resident spiders have been busy building gossamer castles in our chandelier and attaching diaphanous puppet strings to our collection of Art Nouveau statues. The statues themselves seem rather pleased (as they are usually too lazy to get up and do anything themselves, preferring to just sit around looking waifish and pretty…UPPITY BITCHES…) As for the chandelier, it seems to resent the intrusion and has developed the unladylike habit of scratching itself in public…

Now when we moved into our current residence we vowed to keep it as pristine as the wind driven snow. HA! This is not an easy task when various factors are constantly at work against us. Firstly, as artists and designers we tend to produce a rather large quantity of dust, threads and metal shards not to mention multitudes of fabric scraps in every imaginable shape and color. Secondly, half the furnishings that we have dragged home and installed here are filthy and biodegrading to begin with. When these oddities are then mingled with our assortment of moldering textiles, it creates a toxic squall that hovers over our dwelling like a baroque thunderstorm, raining down bits of tinsel, gilding and the occasional bullion tassel…

All in all we manage to keep things fairly clean (at least that is what we like to tell people…) as long as no one looks under the sofa or behind the drapes. Truth be told, without Seraph and his never ending supply of lint rollers (not to mention his pet vacuum cleaner named Skippy) the place would go to HELL IN A HAND BASKET rather quickly. (Now the concept of going to hell in a hand basket has always been quite appealing especially if the basket included a mini bar and a fluffy pillow to rest ones head on during the journey…hmmm…but that is besides that point.)

Another thing that we like to tell people is that the portieres in our kitchen add height and bring drama to the room. HA! Actually they are primarily used to hide crumbs the size of croutons and some delinquent Cheerios among their lower tassels. If worse came to worse we could probably live for a week on what has fallen back there over the years. Needless to say Splendor’s overall standards of cleanliness are rather lower than Seraph’s and she has a notorious reputation of being rather messy in the kitchen. She is only trusted with flour under adult supervision and has been known to put sticky jars of peanut butter in back in the fridge.

There is really no need to bring up the infamous incident with a bottle of coleslaw dressing that somehow exploded covering not only the entire kitchen but the parlor carpet in a gooey mess. (OK, OK it is probably a deserving punishment for eating such WHITE TRASH CRAP like Kraft salad dressing in the first place…lesson learned…hope no one finds out about the occasional cravings for Stove Top stuffing and diet root beer…damn…)

May this lovely section of ephemeral flora remind one that Spring is indeed upon us…HAPPY CLEANING, dear ones…enjoy!

You freeze to death in morning mist..
Great vast landscapes, frostbitten woodlands...
Frozen thunder, hellish blizzard storms
Here snow will always fall... black majestic winter magic
The evil frozen moonlit nights

("The Frostbitten Woodlands” by Carpathian Forest)

Friday, March 12, 2010

Land of Odd

For those of you keeping track at home our garbage disposal has started talking in that weird demon voice again. We sincerely hope that this will not cause the dishwasher to start acting up as well, throwing plates and demanding money for beer and cigarettes. It HAS occurred to us that perhaps if we set a better example for our household objects things might not be quite so strange around here…At least the refrigerator remains housebroken and the stove is as docile as a kitten (albeit a very useful kitten that one can heat up to 400 degrees and bake a delicious pizza in.) Last night as Seraph was attempting to tame our errant disposal with wearing nothing but his red cape and a sword it became apparent that not only does our kitchen contain a DEMONIC PORTAL but it is entirely full of objects that do not pertain to food preparation in the least…

Like crows and small children these otherworldly portals seem to be attracted by all the lovely, shiny (yet entirely useless) crap that we have accumulated over the years. Truth be told, our kitchen is full of wild animals, enchanted fruit and oriental carpets (five at last count). What it is NOT full of is daylight, counter space or modern appliances. It seems as though we cannot resist buying decorative tins and boxes that contain ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and placing them were normal people would chop their carrots. However, these containers do come in handy if one must block a gaping vortex that has suddenly appeared and swallowed up the toaster…

Another matter that we feel is contributing to the general mayhem around here is our habit of collecting trays that are dubious in functionality and quite odd in shape. One of our favorites is an Italian tray in the same emerald green color as the witch from the Wizard of Oz. In fact, if spattered with a droplet of water it would no doubt disintegrate on the spot, screaming “I’M MELTING, I’M MELTING” at the top of its gilded lungs. Another favorite is a long and narrow silver tray with a spooky gunmetal tarnish, spindly legs and a bad temperament. To keep it from constantly fighting with others we allow it sit in our studio and hold a large ram skull with evil curling horns (you can blame Renzo for this, he started it…if you would like to see why, click here.)

There are supernatural occurrences beyond the kitchen as well. Now our Obsidian Hall occupies a mere 1000 square feet of actual physical space (not including our creepy porch and various storage units where we hide things that we do not want anyone to see...) However in the ether tinged netherworld it spans much farther into various passageways and inter dimensional chasms. We kid you not, spent a bit of time here and you are bound to stub your toe on a threshold to neverwhere or fall in a bottomless abyss. Unless you have a number of unwanted guests or nosey neighbors that you would like to rid yourself of we have found it best to keep these entrances hidden from view. Now perhaps you will begin to understand, dear ones, why there is such a preponderance of portieres and a polonaise at every turn…

Now all of this running around has completely tired us out and we think it is a good time for a nap. Gathered here is a lovely collection of decadent draperies and blissful bedding. Sweet dreams…

The Portal to the realm beyond
Splits the Night wide open
The sky turns black shadowed
By a thousand Unholy Daemons

(“Lord of Terror” by Tsjuder)

Monday, March 8, 2010

Manifesting Darkness

We would like to thank Tara from the fabulous blog Nothing Elegant for asking us to participate in her Blogger Manifesto Project. We had a wickedly fun time writing "Manifesting Darkness"…please click here for a look! Also, if you are interested in more information about the Blogger Manifesto Project, read more about it here and here.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Color Me Bad

Here at Chintz of Darkness we firmly believe that everyone’s favorite color should be BLACK and if it is not, one should simply lie about it while in our presence...HA! Now while we could go on and on about this exquisite and virtuous color in all of its glorious shades of pitch, coal and soot that would be merely overstating a rather obvious opinion. We are infinitely more intrigued by one’s SECOND favorite color because it tells much more about the devious interworkings of one’s mind…

Burgundy and plum make lovely second favorite colors, while yellow and pink are totally unacceptable. The vast and spacious color BLUE shall be discussed at length in a later post, but be forewarned, IT MIGHT NOT BE PLEASANT. While we consider the colors of sapphire and lapis to be quite friendly, we have a rather hostile relationship with most of the other cheerful shades of blue. Lavender and periwinkle are considered to be downright enemies (for their constant fraternization with beige, among other things…)

Several weeks ago Seraph + Splendor were abruptly confronted with the VERY LEAST OF THEIR FAVORITE COLORS and were forced to spend the better part of a weekend in its company. What led up to this color related altercation began simply enough by an invitation to join some friends on a road trip. (By the way, as soon as the term “Road Trip” is uttered anywhere in our Obsidian Halls it is immediately followed by jokes about leaving extra space for Splendor’s suitcases and the phrase “high maintenance” is usually said more times than is completely necessary…

Now the destination of this adventure turned out to be an overnight stay a rustic Bed & Breakfast. And yes, Splendor’s luggage for the brief trip included a portable crystal chandelier, an oriental carpet and no less than three pairs of boots (in various heights and degrees of propriety) which she transported in a ratty black pillow case….Seraph on the other hand insisted on bringing his favorite flogger, a flask of whisky and a small library of Carpathian Forest CDs… This seems like as good of a time as any to state that we have probably been banned from all of the respectable B&B establishments in the continental United States...but in our defense it WAS Valentine’s Day after all and everything WAS put to good use…the incident with the rose pedals was totally beyond our control. At least that is the story we are sticking with for now.

In retrospect we could sense the owners of the establishment looking itchy as soon as we pulled up in our BLACK DEATHMOBILE FROM HELL (OK, it is just a Pathfinder adorned with skull stickers…) and started unloading our menacing cargo bags and backpacks. Matters only got worse as we clomped through the quaintly appointed hallways clad in black hoodies, combat boots and t-shirts depicting various misanthropic ideals and philosophies. Again, it WAS Valentine’s Day after all…

Our room was named the “Louisiana” (although we could detect no southern accent whatsoever…hmmm…) Upon opening the door we were greeted with a swath of WHITE eyelet lace curtains with frothy ruffled hems, an ensemble of WHITE wicker furniture and a bed full of shiny WHITE linens. Now everybody already knows what will happen if one is overexposed to an ABUNDANCE OF WHITE FURNISHING so no further explanation is really even needed…

It is probably equally unnecessary to describe looks of shock and horror as we arrived at the breakfast table in the morning. Perhaps the walls were thin or maybe no one expected to have to share a meal with a herd of freaks. Firstly, we are not morning people; secondly we do not normally eat breakfast. Now if breakfast must be consumed outside of the comfort of one’s home we prefer to sit in high backed booths and scowl at the other diners behind our pitch black sunglasses. It seems that this is NOT APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR AT A BED & BREAKFAST…when our Warden, oh, we mean Hostess poured our coffee she stood as far away as physically possible from us with the coffee arching like…oh never mind…we are sure we have already disturbed you enough for one day…
Tell us, dear readers, how does color affect you on your daily misadventures?

The chatter of white noise is calling
Enter the loathing of tortured souls
With fear came thunder
Where the soil is red as blood

(“A Haunting Curse” by Goatwhore)
Related Posts with Thumbnails