Monday, March 1, 2010

Color Me Bad


Here at Chintz of Darkness we firmly believe that everyone’s favorite color should be BLACK and if it is not, one should simply lie about it while in our presence...HA! Now while we could go on and on about this exquisite and virtuous color in all of its glorious shades of pitch, coal and soot that would be merely overstating a rather obvious opinion. We are infinitely more intrigued by one’s SECOND favorite color because it tells much more about the devious interworkings of one’s mind…




Burgundy and plum make lovely second favorite colors, while yellow and pink are totally unacceptable. The vast and spacious color BLUE shall be discussed at length in a later post, but be forewarned, IT MIGHT NOT BE PLEASANT. While we consider the colors of sapphire and lapis to be quite friendly, we have a rather hostile relationship with most of the other cheerful shades of blue. Lavender and periwinkle are considered to be downright enemies (for their constant fraternization with beige, among other things…)



Several weeks ago Seraph + Splendor were abruptly confronted with the VERY LEAST OF THEIR FAVORITE COLORS and were forced to spend the better part of a weekend in its company. What led up to this color related altercation began simply enough by an invitation to join some friends on a road trip. (By the way, as soon as the term “Road Trip” is uttered anywhere in our Obsidian Halls it is immediately followed by jokes about leaving extra space for Splendor’s suitcases and the phrase “high maintenance” is usually said more times than is completely necessary…


Now the destination of this adventure turned out to be an overnight stay a rustic Bed & Breakfast. And yes, Splendor’s luggage for the brief trip included a portable crystal chandelier, an oriental carpet and no less than three pairs of boots (in various heights and degrees of propriety) which she transported in a ratty black pillow case….Seraph on the other hand insisted on bringing his favorite flogger, a flask of whisky and a small library of Carpathian Forest CDs… This seems like as good of a time as any to state that we have probably been banned from all of the respectable B&B establishments in the continental United States...but in our defense it WAS Valentine’s Day after all and everything WAS put to good use…the incident with the rose pedals was totally beyond our control. At least that is the story we are sticking with for now.



In retrospect we could sense the owners of the establishment looking itchy as soon as we pulled up in our BLACK DEATHMOBILE FROM HELL (OK, it is just a Pathfinder adorned with skull stickers…) and started unloading our menacing cargo bags and backpacks. Matters only got worse as we clomped through the quaintly appointed hallways clad in black hoodies, combat boots and t-shirts depicting various misanthropic ideals and philosophies. Again, it WAS Valentine’s Day after all…


Our room was named the “Louisiana” (although we could detect no southern accent whatsoever…hmmm…) Upon opening the door we were greeted with a swath of WHITE eyelet lace curtains with frothy ruffled hems, an ensemble of WHITE wicker furniture and a bed full of shiny WHITE linens. Now everybody already knows what will happen if one is overexposed to an ABUNDANCE OF WHITE FURNISHING so no further explanation is really even needed…



It is probably equally unnecessary to describe looks of shock and horror as we arrived at the breakfast table in the morning. Perhaps the walls were thin or maybe no one expected to have to share a meal with a herd of freaks. Firstly, we are not morning people; secondly we do not normally eat breakfast. Now if breakfast must be consumed outside of the comfort of one’s home we prefer to sit in high backed booths and scowl at the other diners behind our pitch black sunglasses. It seems that this is NOT APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR AT A BED & BREAKFAST…when our Warden, oh, we mean Hostess poured our coffee she stood as far away as physically possible from us with the coffee arching like…oh never mind…we are sure we have already disturbed you enough for one day…
Tell us, dear readers, how does color affect you on your daily misadventures?



The chatter of white noise is calling
Enter the loathing of tortured souls
With fear came thunder
Where the soil is red as blood

(“A Haunting Curse” by Goatwhore)

8 comments:

Hexotica said...

You two are hilarious, and I love it!
I also have a hatred of pastels, though less so when paired with lots of black.
My partner and I also love black first, then it's gray for him and plum for me. He nailed the problem of blue exactly, I think, especially navy, when he said, "The problem with blue is it's trying to be black". Blue is a black impostor.

Anonymous said...

Although I am saddened that your posts do not occur as often as I'd like (I'd prefer daily - HA!), I do understand it takes time to peruse through enough images to come up with the beauties that you share with us devoted readers. I believe I may have developed tendonitis from right clicking on your site!

P.S. Thank you so much for your list of favorite shopping venues in Seattle.... Lynne from Canada

SilkandBone said...

Hilarious, as always!! I share your shudders when it comes to pastels- ichy, is all that I can say. I do adore a deep blood red hue, though, as well as royal purple.

Seraph + Splendor said...

...thanks everyone for the comments...it seems great minds do indeed think alike...HA!
S+S

William Bezek said...

Your written word is witty and worth the time to read. But HOODIES my friend? If one wants to be respected, one should dress respectably...in black finery of course!

Seraph + Splendor said...

Thanks so much for your comment but there is simply no way NOT to respect a grim and evil Carpathian Forest hoodie...HA!
S+S

Christine said...

No, no, no, my favorite color is red. Not tomato-sauce red but rich, almost purpleish crimson. BLOOD red!

Seraph + Splendor said...

...yes, we would have to say blood red is our second favorite...such a lovely, wicked color!
S+S

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