Sunday, March 21, 2010

Good Housekeeping



It looks as if Spring is finally here. That dreaded time of year when the first brilliant shaft of sunlight pierces through the murky windows and illuminates a winter long accumulation of dust, grime, crumbs and other d├ęcor related blasphemies that have amassed over the winter months. It would appear that the resident spiders have been busy building gossamer castles in our chandelier and attaching diaphanous puppet strings to our collection of Art Nouveau statues. The statues themselves seem rather pleased (as they are usually too lazy to get up and do anything themselves, preferring to just sit around looking waifish and pretty…UPPITY BITCHES…) As for the chandelier, it seems to resent the intrusion and has developed the unladylike habit of scratching itself in public…




Now when we moved into our current residence we vowed to keep it as pristine as the wind driven snow. HA! This is not an easy task when various factors are constantly at work against us. Firstly, as artists and designers we tend to produce a rather large quantity of dust, threads and metal shards not to mention multitudes of fabric scraps in every imaginable shape and color. Secondly, half the furnishings that we have dragged home and installed here are filthy and biodegrading to begin with. When these oddities are then mingled with our assortment of moldering textiles, it creates a toxic squall that hovers over our dwelling like a baroque thunderstorm, raining down bits of tinsel, gilding and the occasional bullion tassel…




All in all we manage to keep things fairly clean (at least that is what we like to tell people…) as long as no one looks under the sofa or behind the drapes. Truth be told, without Seraph and his never ending supply of lint rollers (not to mention his pet vacuum cleaner named Skippy) the place would go to HELL IN A HAND BASKET rather quickly. (Now the concept of going to hell in a hand basket has always been quite appealing especially if the basket included a mini bar and a fluffy pillow to rest ones head on during the journey…hmmm…but that is besides that point.)




Another thing that we like to tell people is that the portieres in our kitchen add height and bring drama to the room. HA! Actually they are primarily used to hide crumbs the size of croutons and some delinquent Cheerios among their lower tassels. If worse came to worse we could probably live for a week on what has fallen back there over the years. Needless to say Splendor’s overall standards of cleanliness are rather lower than Seraph’s and she has a notorious reputation of being rather messy in the kitchen. She is only trusted with flour under adult supervision and has been known to put sticky jars of peanut butter in back in the fridge.




There is really no need to bring up the infamous incident with a bottle of coleslaw dressing that somehow exploded covering not only the entire kitchen but the parlor carpet in a gooey mess. (OK, OK it is probably a deserving punishment for eating such WHITE TRASH CRAP like Kraft salad dressing in the first place…lesson learned…hope no one finds out about the occasional cravings for Stove Top stuffing and diet root beer…damn…)




May this lovely section of ephemeral flora remind one that Spring is indeed upon us…HAPPY CLEANING, dear ones…enjoy!

You freeze to death in morning mist..
Great vast landscapes, frostbitten woodlands...
Frozen thunder, hellish blizzard storms
Here snow will always fall... black majestic winter magic
The evil frozen moonlit nights

("The Frostbitten Woodlands” by Carpathian Forest)

16 comments:

Kendra Boutell said...

Dear S + S, I am always so happy to see a new amusing post from you when I have insomnia. Enjoy a wonderful pagan Spring. Best, Kendra

Seraph + Splendor said...

...Thanks so much. It is great to know that there are others wake though the dark of night!
S+S

{Tara} said...

I cannot tell you how many times lately I've been tempted to call in a cleaning service!! Cleaning is such a pain, but the idea of a stranger rifling around in my stuff really freaks me out a bit. I laughed when you mentioned the phrase "hell in a handbasket," because just today I was thinking how much I love that expression and wish I had more occasion to use it. I suppose when you're a moral relativist, there are very few occasions to hurl that accusation at people.

Seraph + Splendor said...

...we have thought of a cleaning service, too…not that anyone would be willing to do it. We can just picture our new housekeeper bursting into tears and running out the door (for many and various reasons…)
S+S

P.S.
Think how cool Renzo or Duquette's housekeepers must have been...damn...

Fairwood Haven said...

Those Victorian Parlor Chairs - and the Flower Men - DELIGHTFUL-!!
(the second one took me quite charmingly by Surprise-!!

Beautiful Post - as usual-!!

Anonymous said...

Oh, you undisciplined children! Has no one taught you the benefits of Clorox? You need someone like Auntie Maim here to come in and give your house the black (I mean white) glove once-over. My own dad, Stub Blair, used to say to us kids: "You're all going to hell in a handbasket." And guess what? Here I am in Kansas doing exactly that on the witch's bike! (Just kidding...life is so good when it's funny!) Love again and always, Mo in KCMO

Seraph + Splendor said...

...whoo hoo, we are always left speechless after reading your great comments!!! Thanks so much for offering to stop by and give our place the white glove treatment...yikes...
S+S

P.S.
we are not big on Clorox...it makes our brains fuzzy...(or maybe fuzzier than usual...)

Patty said...

That flower petal portrait is amazing! Great collection ;)

THE PICKLED HUTCH said...

Ugh, spring cleaning! Must we? At least you are artists and designers but what excuse for me? I wish I had skirted sofa and chair until which to sweep the bunnies. Oh well, Alfie would just scoot under there and scare them out anyway.
Maybe I need to adopt a pet name for my vacuum to strengthen our bond.
Take care you two!
xoxo,
Lisa & Alfie

Seraph + Splendor said...

Hey Lisa!

Great to hear from you! Our sofa is not even skirted and you do not even want to know what goes on under there...yuck...

Kisses to Alfie - we are sure that he is invaluable in many a household task!!! (And such a cutie!)
S+S

Jill said...

Love the palm fronds long past their prime.

Seraph + Splendor said...

..indeed! We usually have more "dead" flower arrangements than living ones!
S+S

Thombeau said...

Sometimes I get so caught up in your fabulous imagery that I forget to read the words! But eventually I remember.

Seraph + Splendor said...

...hee, hee...sometimes we get lost for hours in "The Chateau" and do not get our work done!
S+S

jo said...


Darkness? You have brought heaven, light & smiles to me. heart stoppingly beautiful. Making me laugh as our house is having its first "viewer" today as it is going up for sale... I hope they don't look under beds & behind curtains.
Pinned images from this box-of-chocolates-delights to my board. Thank you. Right I better start tidying & pretending I live in a way that I don't.

Joxx

Seraph + Splendor said...

Thank you for your kind words, Jo! Please in the name of darkness do NOT look under the bed... ~Splendor

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