Friday, March 12, 2010

Land of Odd


For those of you keeping track at home our garbage disposal has started talking in that weird demon voice again. We sincerely hope that this will not cause the dishwasher to start acting up as well, throwing plates and demanding money for beer and cigarettes. It HAS occurred to us that perhaps if we set a better example for our household objects things might not be quite so strange around here…At least the refrigerator remains housebroken and the stove is as docile as a kitten (albeit a very useful kitten that one can heat up to 400 degrees and bake a delicious pizza in.) Last night as Seraph was attempting to tame our errant disposal with wearing nothing but his red cape and a sword it became apparent that not only does our kitchen contain a DEMONIC PORTAL but it is entirely full of objects that do not pertain to food preparation in the least…




Like crows and small children these otherworldly portals seem to be attracted by all the lovely, shiny (yet entirely useless) crap that we have accumulated over the years. Truth be told, our kitchen is full of wild animals, enchanted fruit and oriental carpets (five at last count). What it is NOT full of is daylight, counter space or modern appliances. It seems as though we cannot resist buying decorative tins and boxes that contain ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and placing them were normal people would chop their carrots. However, these containers do come in handy if one must block a gaping vortex that has suddenly appeared and swallowed up the toaster…



Another matter that we feel is contributing to the general mayhem around here is our habit of collecting trays that are dubious in functionality and quite odd in shape. One of our favorites is an Italian tray in the same emerald green color as the witch from the Wizard of Oz. In fact, if spattered with a droplet of water it would no doubt disintegrate on the spot, screaming “I’M MELTING, I’M MELTING” at the top of its gilded lungs. Another favorite is a long and narrow silver tray with a spooky gunmetal tarnish, spindly legs and a bad temperament. To keep it from constantly fighting with others we allow it sit in our studio and hold a large ram skull with evil curling horns (you can blame Renzo for this, he started it…if you would like to see why, click here.)



There are supernatural occurrences beyond the kitchen as well. Now our Obsidian Hall occupies a mere 1000 square feet of actual physical space (not including our creepy porch and various storage units where we hide things that we do not want anyone to see...) However in the ether tinged netherworld it spans much farther into various passageways and inter dimensional chasms. We kid you not, spent a bit of time here and you are bound to stub your toe on a threshold to neverwhere or fall in a bottomless abyss. Unless you have a number of unwanted guests or nosey neighbors that you would like to rid yourself of we have found it best to keep these entrances hidden from view. Now perhaps you will begin to understand, dear ones, why there is such a preponderance of portieres and a polonaise at every turn…



Now all of this running around has completely tired us out and we think it is a good time for a nap. Gathered here is a lovely collection of decadent draperies and blissful bedding. Sweet dreams…



The Portal to the realm beyond
Splits the Night wide open
The sky turns black shadowed
By a thousand Unholy Daemons

(“Lord of Terror” by Tsjuder)

10 comments:

{Tara} said...

Only in our modern world would the portal to the netherworld be located in a garbage disposal. And somehow you make the scenario seem fit for fantasy novel! Maybe if I viewed my appliances as possessed, rather than just cheap and irritable, it would help with my anxiety at their constant failure...

Seraph + Splendor said...

Hi Tara!
The only problem then is that you start believing that your appliances have minds of their own and are "choosing" to fail...damn…
S+S

Deborah said...

So yours is a portal? Here, we refer to the "sink monster" who lives in the drain. Flipping something like a light switch summons him to devour whatever rinds and sod-ends we're too lazy to compost. But he is kind to us, our sink monster, because we save all the limes from our gin and tonics for him.

Chevonne (My Imaginary House) said...

At the risk of gushing (gushing, I do believe may be on a par with your negative views on your most-hated colour) I do so very much enjoy your blog :) I giggle away (with reverence to the seriousness of the topics, of course) and revel in the pictures. A (suitably nether-worldly) toast to you (plural).

Petra Voegtle said...

Long I had the suspicion that they have a life of their own - no wonder they are all called by their own name - so it is in our own small world - thank you for another wonderfully hilarious post - Petra

Seraph + Splendor said...

...thanks everyone for your awesome comments - we seriously appreciate them! We are so glad that we are not alone on the issue of sentient appliances…hope all of this attention has not gone to their heads…making diner tonight should be interesting…HA!
S+S

Jill said...

I have always loved that bedroom with the tree mural. I would be very happy in that bed!

Seraph + Splendor said...

We LOVE that bedroom, too! It makes us want to paint a mural but unfortunately there is not any wall space left (as well as lease / landlord related issues)...damn...
S+S

Hexotica said...

I knew there was something funny about garbage disposal units! That explains everything!

Seraph + Splendor said...

...we have been keeping ours on a short leash very since it started sounding EXACTLY like the Beherit album “The Oath of Black Blood". This is quite an accomplishment for a so called “inanimate” object...hmmm…
S+S

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