Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Plum Struck

Sadomasochism can occur in many forms, dear readers. On one hand (ouch…) it can involve nothing more than an afternoon of fun activities resulting in some strategically placed bruises (and perhaps a little rope burn…) to something much, much darker… Here at Chintz of Darkness we have recently participated in the most heinous and masochistic act one can perform alone or in a group setting. What is the vile act you ask? Why nothing short of looking through family pictures. One is instantaneously reminded of every short coming, embarrassing situation and bad hair related disaster that has occurred in one’s life. It seem as though every dorky outfit and cringe inducing family event has been lovingly documented and preserved so one can LIVE THROUGH THE HUMILIATION AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN until one’s head finally explodes and ruins the photo album once and for all…HA!

One particularly painful flashback occurred while Splendor was perusing a pictorial of her ill fated ballet lessons. Now everyone knows that requiring a tomboy to wear a pink spangled tutu is cruel and unusual punishment to say the least. Now to be posed like a “proper young lady” (as opposed to a heathen beast) in gauzy soft lighting with hair in silky pony tails, HOLDING A FREAKING BOUQUET OF PANSIES is simply beyond the pale. And on top of that being forced to dance to the song “I ENJOY BEING A GIRL”…. (A song that should be more aptly titled “I Enjoy Being a Whore” with insipid lyrics like this…) Is there really any question why young Splendor burned all of her hair scrunchies and turned to a life of delinquency??? At least there were amble pictures of her climbing trees, playing with dirt and eating cat food to balance things out. And if you must ask out of a morbid sense of curiosity, it was DRY CAT FOOD (Meow Mix to be specific…)

Now after a careful review of Seraph’s family pictures one can conclude he spent his childhood being rather adorable. Nothing was found which would enable a blackmail scheme or extortionist’s plot… (unless you count those pictures of him dressed up as Elton John…AND IT WAS NOT EVEN HALLOWEEN, dear ones…hee, hee…) Even his school pictures are quite consistently charming with his lovely locks growing longing and longer in each preceding grade until reaching rock god-esque crescendo during senior year. Now Splendor on the other hand was cursed by year after year of odd self inflicted haircuts and makeovers that requires her school pictures to be buried in the back yard in a tin can…yikes…

In all seriousness, both of our families were picture perfect in their own ways. One family being comprised of free spirited artists, the other a family of a more traditional style. But the problem with pictures is they are rather two dimensional and do not show what is outside the frame. Trust us, there were skeletons in both families’ closets. We have seen them with our own two (four?) eyes and in fact we have several hanging in our front parlor. HA! We wish. It seems as though “SOMEONE” in the family has already made off with the real ones…hmmm…

Now all of this talk of bruised egos as well as asses (HEY, YOU CAN’T SAY THAT, YOU FREAKY WEIRDO!) has got us thinking of the lovely shades of amethyst, plum and purple. Now smile and say “Yes, Mistress”….

Radiant dust a chimney rise
Desert floor dissolved wide ablaze
Golden plum against the midnight sky
Burning eyes in death clouds ash grey face

(“Destroyer of Worlds” by Bathory)

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Garden Warden

One might recall that over the dreary winter months the Gardening Department here at Chintz of Darkness painstakingly decorated the shrubs and bushes with a dazzling array of chandelier crystals for no logical reason whatsoever. This foolhardy endeavor has inspired the resident squirrels to attempt to grow a MAGICAL GLASS SHRUB by planting the crystals amid the bluebell bulbs in a blatant act of RODENT RELATED VANDALISM. Now we are not afraid to admit that the thieving squirrels in question are nicknamed Bucky and Spaghetti-o…do not even ask for an explanation…you would only think that we are weird (HA!) and stop hanging around with us … 

Looking back there seems to be a rich history of garden related mishaps that date all the way back to our childhood misadventures. Splendor grew up with a backyard that appeared (to the untrained eye) to have been landscaped by a SADISTIC MADMAN OR A DRUNKEN BOTANIST. A yard that was full of cruel and murderous shrubbery that was constantly on the prowl for its next young victim. Splendor’s earliest memory of those dreaded bushes was pulling up in the driveway for the first time, only to spot a lone sullen camellia bush with baby pink blossoms lurking amid the waist high grass. Whatever it was doing there in the middle of nowhere no one will ever know, but it was quite apparent that the evil shrub was out for Splendor’s blood.

There was also the ornamental cherry tree that was pruned (tortured?) into a lovely umbrella style plume. Every spring the tree’s blossoms would send an intoxicating fragrance wafting though the yard. This would entice one to climb up and sit among the heavenly scented flowers only to have the entire tree snap shut like a bear trap or a FLUFFY PINK VENUS FLY TRAP. Splendor clearly remembers being ensnared there for days on end surviving on nothing but rotten cherry pits and rainwater. She also remembers being told that she had an OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION at times. Regardless of that let’s not forget the group of wicked lilac trees that could be found sulking in an inaccessible corner of the yard, mugging the smaller shrubbery and exposing themselves to passing joggers…and you think your childhood was weird…As for Seraph, his outdoor activities could not technically be referred to as “gardening” as most of the incidents involved fire…enough said.

Upon reflection on the sinister nature of shrubbery the idea of trudging off to the nursery to procure yet another lovely crop of brambles, sticker bushes and fire spitting nettles has lost its appeal this year. Instead we will be focusing our efforts on our indoor garden. A garden which is flourishing quite nicely in spite of an absence of light, a predominance of dust and a never ending serenade of calming Black Metal. Remember that guy from the 70’s that claimed plants preferred classical music? Well let’s just say that guy was an idiot. Our lovely pothos vine certainly proves that theory wrong by prolifically growing in the opposite direction of the window under a gothic chair and is at this very moment attempting to strangle a antique ceramic cat. BLOODTHIRSTY INDEED, DEAR READERS…so tell us, how does your garden grow?

The curse of salvation
The odious essence
of His holy revelation
It floats from the garden of eden
In malevolent grace
The Devil's blood
Through the pentagram's maze

(“Devil’s Blood by Watain)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

A Man in Uniform

Now Splendor considers Seraph to be her knight in shining armor, her true champion and all around soul mate. People often ask how Seraph + Splendor made their acquaintance with one another in the first place. What mystical conjunction of the universal forces of destiny or chaos brought the two wayward angels together? There are many strange and heroic tales bandied about containing various degrees of truth. Perhaps brave Seraph had to rescue her from a tall and spindly tower or revive her with a kiss as she slept in a glass coffin? (Oh, wait…that coffin incident was just LAST WEEKEND…) Or perhaps he just found young Splendor misbehaving in 7-11, gave her a place to crash for the night and then decided to keep her. NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW…as to how a certain snake tattoo and a bottle of Jack Daniel’s figured into the story, that will have to be left up to your ample imaginations, dear readers…HA!

Now truth be told, Splendor started living (in sin, no less…) with Seraph at rather a young age. Their apartment was quite different than it is today, being at that time decorated in the romantic style of YOUNG BACHELOR MEETS TEENAGE RUNAWAY. Now if you are not familiar with this mode of interior decoration there will probably be a coffee table book coming out soon enough. In the mean while, just imagine bookshelves full of Mercyful Fate records, an overabundance of beverage bottles and a bed draped in an evil and billowing canopy complete with a human skull dangling from a chain of camel teeth… (in other words every parent’s dream …)

Another query frequently asked is “are you two weirdos ACTUALLY MARRIED or did you just put some floral garlands on your heads, chant some stuff and then call it official???” No, in fact we had a real living, breathing wedding complete with family (!?!), cake and a potluck buffet. We had initially planned to keep things simple and find some scruffy justice of the peace to perform the deed, but you know how these things go, dear ones. In the end, it was decided to have the wedding in the yard of Splendor’s paternal Grandmother’s house. In retrospect, we are glad that we did. It was truly an enchanted place full of fey magic and earth spirits. A colonnade of towering oak trees draped in a thick curtain of ivy formed an eerie semicircle where the ceremony could take place. Adding to the enchantment was a luscious cushion of moss dappled with woodland flowers and an unmistakable sense of mystery…

When the day finally arrived it was sultry and overcast with the exhilarating threat of rain. No one was completely sure what faith our “minister” adhered to, except that it was not one of the proper ones. There are foggy recollections of a robe appliqu├ęd with faux-archaic symbols like something left over from a groovy 60’s cult and an intriguing leather volume from which he read. Then there was his sudden disappearance back into the forest when the ceremony was over never to be heard from again…(Ok, Ok, he was a family friend, once again proving Splendor’s family is about as traditionally religious as a pond full of ducks.)

Even after all of the intervening years there are still those that seem unhappy with our blessed union (*cough*parents*cough*). We started getting rather suspicious when only being wished a happy anniversary by the resident garden squirrels, crazy Aunt Mildred and the ghost in the linen closet. This year the squirrels were even thoughtful enough to leave a gift of peanut shells…

The honeymoon however is still in full swing…

Now guess what I saw on one of the stones
I saw my soul, in a magical haze
It was all dressed up as a corpse in a wedding dress
Small black wings on my naked back
Now hear my prayer, beggin' for mercy
I'm living to die

("Corpse Without a Soul" by Mercyful Fate)
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