Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Garden Warden

One might recall that over the dreary winter months the Gardening Department here at Chintz of Darkness painstakingly decorated the shrubs and bushes with a dazzling array of chandelier crystals for no logical reason whatsoever. This foolhardy endeavor has inspired the resident squirrels to attempt to grow a MAGICAL GLASS SHRUB by planting the crystals amid the bluebell bulbs in a blatant act of RODENT RELATED VANDALISM. Now we are not afraid to admit that the thieving squirrels in question are nicknamed Bucky and Spaghetti-o…do not even ask for an explanation…you would only think that we are weird (HA!) and stop hanging around with us … 

Looking back there seems to be a rich history of garden related mishaps that date all the way back to our childhood misadventures. Splendor grew up with a backyard that appeared (to the untrained eye) to have been landscaped by a SADISTIC MADMAN OR A DRUNKEN BOTANIST. A yard that was full of cruel and murderous shrubbery that was constantly on the prowl for its next young victim. Splendor’s earliest memory of those dreaded bushes was pulling up in the driveway for the first time, only to spot a lone sullen camellia bush with baby pink blossoms lurking amid the waist high grass. Whatever it was doing there in the middle of nowhere no one will ever know, but it was quite apparent that the evil shrub was out for Splendor’s blood.

There was also the ornamental cherry tree that was pruned (tortured?) into a lovely umbrella style plume. Every spring the tree’s blossoms would send an intoxicating fragrance wafting though the yard. This would entice one to climb up and sit among the heavenly scented flowers only to have the entire tree snap shut like a bear trap or a FLUFFY PINK VENUS FLY TRAP. Splendor clearly remembers being ensnared there for days on end surviving on nothing but rotten cherry pits and rainwater. She also remembers being told that she had an OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION at times. Regardless of that let’s not forget the group of wicked lilac trees that could be found sulking in an inaccessible corner of the yard, mugging the smaller shrubbery and exposing themselves to passing joggers…and you think your childhood was weird…As for Seraph, his outdoor activities could not technically be referred to as “gardening” as most of the incidents involved fire…enough said.

Upon reflection on the sinister nature of shrubbery the idea of trudging off to the nursery to procure yet another lovely crop of brambles, sticker bushes and fire spitting nettles has lost its appeal this year. Instead we will be focusing our efforts on our indoor garden. A garden which is flourishing quite nicely in spite of an absence of light, a predominance of dust and a never ending serenade of calming Black Metal. Remember that guy from the 70’s that claimed plants preferred classical music? Well let’s just say that guy was an idiot. Our lovely pothos vine certainly proves that theory wrong by prolifically growing in the opposite direction of the window under a gothic chair and is at this very moment attempting to strangle a antique ceramic cat. BLOODTHIRSTY INDEED, DEAR READERS…so tell us, how does your garden grow?

The curse of salvation
The odious essence
of His holy revelation
It floats from the garden of eden
In malevolent grace
The Devil's blood
Through the pentagram's maze

(“Devil’s Blood by Watain)


carla fox said...

Lovely! As for my garden, I've decided to see what the phrase "letting Nature take its course" truly means. Aren't thistles the national flower of Scotland? I've got a wee bit of Scots in me....

Seraph + Splendor said...

Hey Carla,
So good to hear from you! We must confess - we love thistles, too! We pick the wild ones in the neighborhood and use them in creepy flower arrangements...

Anonymous said...

Our garden actually engulfs our little abode. Ivy ever creeping over window panes, evil poisonous plants such as morning glory swallowing trees whole and making fantastically dark shapes like some ancient topiary out of them. The garden is out to suffocate, scratch and maim if one dares to wield the pruning shears…so we had best leave it alone in its brooding darkness.

Seraph + Splendor said...

...we could not agree more. Gardens should be left to their own devices and should only be entered at one's own risk...

Anonymous said...

you've a new estimator. I'm from Como (Italy) and I think that your blog is very, very interesting, imaginative, beautyfull!
Thank you

Seraph + Splendor said...

Thanks so much for the kind words! So glad that you found our blog!

MJ said...

Would having planted my onions upside down qualify as a "garden related mishap"?

Seraph + Splendor said...

...indeed so! Backwards, sideways and upside down planting never ends well for all not even ask about the fate of our Lily of the Nile bulbs...yikes!

Anonymous said...

oh my...
i have just discovered you via
its wonderfully beautiful
here and i shall visit
xoxo EdenClare

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