Sunday, May 2, 2010

Junk in Our Trunk



It seems as though the time has come to pass, dear readers, when Seraph + Splendor must pay a visit to a dubious and shifty acquaintance referred to only as “THE UNDERTAKER”. Why such a grim moniker one may ask? Perhaps it is the peculiar odor of his antique shop or the unexplained and untimely death of several of his assistants. It could just be his fondness for Hawaiian shirts or the arsons in the neighborhood. We choose to leave the speculations in the hands of the proper authorities. We also choose not to visit his establishment after dusk and leave a letter to our loved ones in case we were to expectedly disappear without a trace. The reason for the impending appointment? It is quite simple really. The Undertaker will buy a carload of our accumulated crap, NO QUESTIONED ASKED…





We have willfully got ourselves into this predicament by a daily dose of pillaging our local thrift stores and consignment shops. Now, for those of you keeping track at home, this week’s list of things that we DID NOT REALLY NEED TO BUY include: 1) a package of Victorian era metal doilies that will be used to make crowns and party hats for the ghosts. 2) A not so Victorian era velvet painting depicting the Devil in all this grandeur doing some rather unspeakable things 3) A small glass music box with a lid etched in a delicate floral motif. Now this box has already been placed in a drawer with SEVERAL DOZEN other glass boxes and it has chosen to differentiate itself by playing it’s creepy song at random and inappropriate times (again, this greatly amuses the ghosts and gives them a much needed excuse to don their new hats…yikes…)




 The final straw to the realization that we must rid ourselves of some our junk was our collection of antique fireplace accessories including (but not limited to) a rather lovely set of bellows intricately decorated with hand painted ivory (OK, bone) tiles. Now this would be all fine and dandy if we had a fireplace, a wood burning stove or even a crude (yet strangely elegant) fire pit here in the gloomy and frigid halls of Chintz of Darkness. Lacking all of these things we began placing our collection around our houseplants and under the slipper chairs. Some savvy reader will no doubt suggest that we could have placed our fire related ephemera around one of the BLAZING DEMONIC PORTALS that flare up here from time to time. While this might sound good on paper, the last thing we need around here is a gaggle of fire nymphs using our precious bellows to blast puffs of air up each other’s…oh never mind…




In case one was in doubt, there are established rules at the PURCHASING DEPARTMENT here at Chintz of Darkness for the procurement of objects and oddities. The rules state such things as “buy only things that you have a place for” and “only buy objects that are in good condition and relatively tasteful”….blah, blah, blah…whatever. Now anyone who is a packrat worthy of its tail knows that the rules can be stretched to the point of breaking thus allowing one to amass a basket of rusty knives (that was Seraph’s fault) and a stack of framed pictures three deep against a set of chests stacked four high with the whole rickety contraption draped in a paisley shawl (this was Splendor’s evil doing)…damn…make that TWO CARLOADS of accumulated crap…It is going to be a rough week, dear ones, but we simply must thin the herd…




Tell us, what would you sell to the Undertaker, dear readers?

I'm an undertaker
I'm a ghost in the night
I'm a coffin shaker
This graveyard site is mine

("Legend of A Headless Rider" by Mercyful Fate)

7 comments:

Mr. Bluehaunt said...

I know your pain. I am currently stacking stuff up for a yard sale, flea market, and more ebay. I am trying to "buy less and buy better". My other rule is "3 things out for every 1 thing in"- (paper items don't count.)

Seraph + Splendor said...

...great rules to live by! We love your blog - thanks for stopping by!
S+S

jasonwclark said...

Deep caverns of Cumea! There’s a place where such things can be had by the trunkload?

Spot sounds like it’s definitely worth a pilgrimage.

Kendra Boutell said...

Having grown up with a mother who compulsively went to rummage sales, yard sales, estate sales, flea markets and junk shops I find I constantly need to edit. But I am ever tempted by the sparkle of good vintage costume jewelry. We all have our vices.

Seraph + Splendor said...

...thanks for the comments everyone. Vices indeed - we cannot resist costume jewelry either. Even our collection of ravens wear spangled necklaces...
S+S

The Blushing Hostess said...

The entire contents of my Mama's garage is headed his way... my young life was booby trapped with stacks of gracious crap, I tell you...

Seraph + Splendor said...

...both of our families have pack rat tendencies. Seraph’s parents had a gigantic 50’s era two car garage that that one could barely fit the lawnmower in! As for Splendor’s family, there are relatives that have gone missing for decades beneath piles of junk…damn…

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