Tuesday, June 15, 2010

All that Glitters is Not Gold



Now we are sure that some of you out there feel that we might be exaggerating a bit about our recent garbage disposal dilemmas. Well just to set the record straight, lately things went from bad to worse when the abysmal appliance starting wandering around the apartment eating Cheese Puffs (that we DO NOT keep in the pantry) and watching TMZ until the wee hours of the night. Now after several weeks of this odd behavior the dastardly disposal let out a blood curdling groan and died a tragic and untimely death. Now we must confess, for a few days (undoubtedly due to shock) we did nothing, choosing to ignore the situation entirely. But when the reek of putrid onions and rancid dishwater became overwhelming we were put in an awkward position of calling our landlord.





Perhaps NORMAL people do not break into a cold sweat at the thought of a visit by the landlord but then again normal people do not spend the better part of an afternoon creating a NEFARIOUS LOOKING OBJECT for Seraph’s upcoming stage performances in the middle of their design table. A table that sits smack dab in the middle of the apartment, visible from every possible vista and unavoidable at every turn… As for the object in question, the ensemble MIGHT HAVE featured a large ram skull complete with a jeweled crown entwined in a candle lit rose briar. To be sure you would have had to be there, dear readers, because nefarious can be in interpreted in many ways…




We dutifully spent the next several hours hiding various pieces of our wicked creation under tables and in closets so as not to be further deemed “the freaks” of the apartment building. Truth be told this is an activity that we are quite good at after years of experience (being freaks, that is, as well as master illusionists…hee hee) In fact an entire room can be transformed from a den of sin to a casual work environment in a matter of minutes using nothing but some bolts of fabric, a U-Haul box AND OF COURSE A FREAKING BLIND FOLD. HA! After finishing up with a light dusting we felt our work was complete, having transformed our abode from a look of “deranged weirdo” to merely “eccentric artist”. Boy, were we wrong…




It seems that we were lulled into a false sense of security by the fact that most first time visitors are easily stunned and miss some details that might be picked up by a more acute scrutiny of our apartment. This was not the case for the savvy miniature Doberman (with a PINK SPIKED COLLAR no less) that our landlord was dog sitting that weekend. The diminutive beast came dashing through and without a moment’s hesitation headed directly for a pile of antler bones that we had hidden under a skirted table. It (she?) became quite delighted with the discovery and announced it to all present by barking at the top of her lungs. Having apparently watched one too many episodes of a certain 80’s cop show we felt sure that Crockett and Tubbs were going to bust through the door, read us our Miranda rights and then haul us off to county…Just as we were trying to banish that unpleasant thought, the beastly dog was off again spilling a carefully concealed tray of contraband and rudely sniffing the carpet stains before racing down the hall and out the front door. Luckily and (not a moment too soon might we add) our landlord followed right on her heals, leaving us to contend with the bewildered plumber on our own.




It turned out that the entire fiasco could have been easily avoided if we had only pressed the LARGE RED BUTTON SAYING “RESET” on the front of the disposal and sharpening the blades with some ice. WTF!?! Did we mention that just as the plumber entered the kitchen we noticed that we forgot to cover the picture on our refrigerator door of a dear friend wearing nothing but a scant layer of body paint and a goat mask? So tell us, dear readers, what lurks under your skirted table …

 
Joining the march of the even fall
To be at your disposal, the blade when
you release damnation
I fulfill these actions with pride, I worship
all that is ours.

(Evil Oath by 1349)

11 comments:

Hexotica said...

How rude of him to let a dog run loose in your home!

Seraph + Splendor said...

Indeed, it was quite surreal and we thought that we were hallucinating (AGAIN)...also reminded why we are "cat people"...
S+S

Porcelains and Peacocks said...

S + S, I was relieved and amused to see your posting. I was afraid you had been forced on some awful camping trip. Best, Kendra

Petra Voegtle said...

Boy, how I laughed about your story and I can so very much relate to it although for a different reason:

as you perhaps know we are living with a feral pigeon family on our balcony and I am keeping a close diary about our observations with many pics since 3 years. So it happened that we also take care of sick pigeons. But as you can imagine there are always people who cannot stand other people living in peace and so they do their part.
To make a long story short - we had the caretaker of the appartment house twice in our rooms=balcony for a check-up. Needless to say that I had to hide everything - including living pijjies and everything that could be mistaken before his eyes....
If you like to know more -
Pigeon Tales on http://pigeonwriter.wordpress.com

And btw - I also find it very impertinent to let a dog run loose in an alien appartment!

Seraph + Splendor said...

Kendra - thanks for your concern, luckily we have avoided a forced camping trip thus far. What we have NOT avoided is a lethal combination of a root canal (1 1/2 hours of drilling into Splendor's skull) and an exploding computer full of dust bunnies...damn...

Petra - now hiding pigeons takes a special talent in itself!!! One must be crafty to avoid the interference of others. Keep up the good work!

S+S

carla fox said...

Do what I do....throw a sheet over it! However, the cadaver dogs WILL sniff out anything previously alive. Maybe burning heavy incense would help with that. (It didn't help when a dead raccoon entombed itself under our house, but since you live in an apartment, that shouldn't be a problem;) As far as the landlord goes: if you pay the rent what does he care? Also, will you be posting your stage performance on YouTube by any chance? Would love to see it!!

Seraph + Splendor said...

Hi Carla!

Well, we thought we would be safe from wild animals, too until our UPSTAIRS neighbor starting luring raccoons and possums onto her porch with cat food. They had nightly tuft wars that ended in death and destruction on both sides. Do not even get us starting on the rats...luckily for us management intervened.

As for the landlords - we get away with A LOT here, so we try to pretend that we are on our best behavior at least some of the time.

...and finally, yes we are sure the performances will end up on YouTube but we are just warning you...

S+S

P.S.
We will be in touch soon!

Jill said...

Funny! The other night a friend gave me a dominatrix style whip...as a gift, in a restaurant. I had left it in my car for several days...I did a post about this today.

Anyway, after the car fiasco, my husband took it into the house and left it on his bathroom counter. Then several hours later he calls frantically and asks me if I've put it away in one of our closets...he thought that yesterday was our housekeepers day to visit. A very traditional/religious Mexican woman.

Seraph + Splendor said...

HA! Since we are on the subject we have had to hide the flogger, cuffs and assorted spikes and chains from "proper" company...we think we would make a housekeeper cry (especially a religious one...)
S+S

Thombeau said...

Ack! A Fornasetti chair! You KNOW what that does to me!!

Seraph + Splendor said...

...isn't it hot? (no pun intended...hee!)
S+S

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