Now we are sure that some of you out there feel that we might be exaggerating a bit about our recent garbage disposal dilemmas. Well just to set the record straight, lately things went from bad to worse when the abysmal appliance starting wandering around the apartment eating Cheese Puffs (that we DO NOT keep in the pantry) and watching TMZ until the wee hours of the night. Now after several weeks of this odd behavior the dastardly disposal let out a blood curdling groan and died a tragic and untimely death. Now we must confess, for a few days (undoubtedly due to shock) we did nothing, choosing to ignore the situation entirely. But when the reek of putrid onions and rancid dishwater became overwhelming we were put in an awkward position of calling our landlord.
Perhaps NORMAL people do not break into a cold sweat at the thought of a visit by the landlord but then again normal people do not spend the better part of an afternoon creating a NEFARIOUS LOOKING OBJECT for Seraph’s upcoming stage performances in the middle of their design table. A table that sits smack dab in the middle of the apartment, visible from every possible vista and unavoidable at every turn… As for the object in question, the ensemble MIGHT HAVE featured a large ram skull complete with a jeweled crown entwined in a candle lit rose briar. To be sure you would have had to be there, dear readers, because nefarious can be in interpreted in many ways…
We dutifully spent the next several hours hiding various pieces of our wicked creation under tables and in closets so as not to be further deemed “the freaks” of the apartment building. Truth be told this is an activity that we are quite good at after years of experience (being freaks, that is, as well as master illusionists…hee hee) In fact an entire room can be transformed from a den of sin to a casual work environment in a matter of minutes using nothing but some bolts of fabric, a U-Haul box AND OF COURSE A FREAKING BLIND FOLD. HA! After finishing up with a light dusting we felt our work was complete, having transformed our abode from a look of “deranged weirdo” to merely “eccentric artist”. Boy, were we wrong…
It seems that we were lulled into a false sense of security by the fact that most first time visitors are easily stunned and miss some details that might be picked up by a more acute scrutiny of our apartment. This was not the case for the savvy miniature Doberman (with a PINK SPIKED COLLAR no less) that our landlord was dog sitting that weekend. The diminutive beast came dashing through and without a moment’s hesitation headed directly for a pile of antler bones that we had hidden under a skirted table. It (she?) became quite delighted with the discovery and announced it to all present by barking at the top of her lungs. Having apparently watched one too many episodes of a certain 80’s cop show we felt sure that Crockett and Tubbs were going to bust through the door, read us our Miranda rights and then haul us off to county…Just as we were trying to banish that unpleasant thought, the beastly dog was off again spilling a carefully concealed tray of contraband and rudely sniffing the carpet stains before racing down the hall and out the front door. Luckily and (not a moment too soon might we add) our landlord followed right on her heals, leaving us to contend with the bewildered plumber on our own.
It turned out that the entire fiasco could have been easily avoided if we had only pressed the LARGE RED BUTTON SAYING “RESET” on the front of the disposal and sharpening the blades with some ice. WTF!?! Did we mention that just as the plumber entered the kitchen we noticed that we forgot to cover the picture on our refrigerator door of a dear friend wearing nothing but a scant layer of body paint and a goat mask? So tell us, dear readers, what lurks under your skirted table …
Joining the march of the even fall
To be at your disposal, the blade when
you release damnation
I fulfill these actions with pride, I worship
all that is ours.
(Evil Oath by 1349)