Friday, July 2, 2010

B is for...


Now as much as it is wished otherwise Seraph + Splendor must abide by the law of the land just like everyone else. It seems that we are NOT entitled to some special pass or a get out of jail free card simply because we choose to live by an imaginary set of rules and regulations that we have MADE UP ENTIRELY IN OUR HEADS. And although we rather resent a rabid respect of rules we nonetheless buckle our seat belts, rinse our recyclables and restrain from recklessness. HA! In spite of that we still find plenty of time in the day to break the rules of convention, scale, proportion and of course good taste…hee!





Breaking with religious taboos and traditions is a favorite pastime around here as well. You know those freaks in the white short sleeve shirts that come by trying to interest you in some strange religion? Recently a gaggle of those weirdos gained access to our building under quite false pretences claiming to be UPS (because that’s what Jesus would do, right?) Here in our gloomy Obsidian Halls we adhere to the axiom WHAT WOULD NATTEFROST DO? (WWND for short, if you would like to get a bracelet made) but we do not go around trying to convert people to our evil ways by making them listen to the album Blood and Vomit until they crack and began writing a SO CALLED DESIGN BLOG riddled with obscure black metal references and have to learn to live with a growing collection of irreversible carpet stains. But that is a story for another day…




Anyways as soon as Splendor opened the door (anticipating a delivery from ScalamandrĂ©, no less…) she was immediately addressed with the impertinent question “ARE YOU THE PERSON HERE THAT LIVES IN SIN?” Finding it doubtful that they were actually fans of Chintz of Darkness, timid Splendor assumed that she appeared in need of salvation. To make a long story even longer Seraph took offence to people speaking rudely to Splendor and made one of them cry and the other one pee his pants, oh excuse us slacks…HAIL…oh never mind…




The laws of scale and proportion can be broken into several bite sized pieces or completely shattered beyond recognition, it is all up to you, dear readers. For example, you can confound and confuse tall guests by hanging all of your lanterns and chandeliers menacingly low much like a cave full of glittering (yet chic) stalactites. Our collection of antique glass lanterns that adorns the kitchen ceiling dangles at such a precarious level that they have been hit more than one time with an errant baguette and once with A PARTICULARLY AMPLE SQUASH…yikes…



Another example of this eccentricity here at Chintz of Darkness is an overabundance of low hanging valances. Our bedroom doorway is draped with an Arabian Nights worthy concoction of brocade, velvet and beaded tassels that sweeps down in an overly dramatic fashion leaving only a scant 5 ½ foot tall (otherwise known as Splendor sized…HA!) opening that one must shimmy through to reach the room beyond…In the front parlor there is also an impossibly narrow passageway through several sets of portieres that force unsuspecting guests to spontaneously learn a strange version of the limbo if trying reach the safety of the sofa…



Gathered here is a selection of BAT WINGS, BLASPHEMY AND OF COURSE BLACK which we hope will inspire you to go make some trouble of your own. Tell us, dear readers, what rules do you willfully break?

I invoke thee, possessor of all hidden keys
God of the unknown and the lawless ecstasies
initiate me, thy most faithful child
In the darkest of mysteries and all pleasurable crimes

(“Xeper-I-Set” by Dissection)

16 comments:

Dirgesinger said...

Hah, that story with those "we-came-to-save-your-souls" people was fun:) Occasionally I myself meet these kinds of holy men, and they always try to convince me that ON THE CONDITION that I leave my black clothes and atrocious music taste behind, Jesus would love me too. Bwah! Two questions are enough for them to blink in embarrassment and sail away from my door. First: Then what the heck with the first and foremost rule that Jesus loves everybody without conditions? And second: Why is Death a punishment? (Occasionally I drop in a third about Cain too.) I have never had a decent answer from them.

WWND? :D

GlenH said...

My BF is Shintoist, so I try to get him to tell them "Amaterasu loves you", but he won't...he's no fun sometimes!

Jill said...

"made one of them cry and the other one pee his pants, oh excuse us slacks…HAIL…oh never mind…"

I love a chivalrous man!

Rules broken...hmmmm. Probably the worst/best rule I've ever broken was "Though shalt not covet they sister-in-laws husband and then marry him".

Love the fourth image...I'm assuming a textile. It's beautiful.

Pam Morris said...

I always enjoy your blog immensely but this one was particularly delightful. Thanks for a wonderfully welcome saturday morning chuckle and as always, your very gorgeous pics.

Seraph + Splendor said...

It was great to wake up late on a Saturday to all of your lovely comments...thanks everyone - we love hearing from all of you!
S+S

P.S.
Jill, that textile is a men's robe circa 1880's from Turkestan...

Lunar Blue said...

This is why I live in a secure building with lock and key.
When I actually go outside, I carry a baton. it's most useful.

awesome job on the blog! I love it!!

Kendra Boutell said...

S + S~ Your story of "sin" reminds me of when I was a child and our town's Catholic priest came to the door to tell my mother (a lapsed Catholic) that my brother and I were "illegitimate in the eyes of the church" because she and my father had a civil wedding. Maybe that is why i never answer the door, even for Scalamandré fabric. Kisses, Kendra

Seraph + Splendor said...

...a baton - now THAT would come in handy around here!!!

Being "illegitimate in the eyes of the church" is definitely something to be proud of! HA!

S+S

uuaq said...

My narrow Edwardian railroad apartment isn't quite 8'-3" wide in the middle, and that was before I added shoulder-height ebonized wainscoting throughout. The one rule I consistently violate is clear-width. The usual recommendation of 18" is too generous. How is one supposed to arrange two dozen places to sit around all these tables, bookcases, plant stands, floor lamps, and the swing of secret doors? Between certain areas--OK, most--I have managed nearly an entire foot of clearance, which is to say closer to eleven than twelve.

Unfortunately for my occasional guests (especially the night callers), I'm particularly thin, and as with your valances, I have no difficulty squeezing sideways passed the Neo-Baroque full-length mirror and the dangerously pointy corner of my mortician's-table-sized work desk. And, while the cabinet it is made of is 30" wide, when opened the secret door is a paltry 23" clear. Worse (by which I mean: all the better!), this passage lies between the kitchen/dinette and the rest of my flat, so it's used not infrequently. But sometimes knuckles are worth scuffing, right?

I also break the "don't paint your entire apartment black and charcoal" rule. My contention is a bright white cave would feel claustrophobic, where as a black shadowy one feels cavernous. Oh, and that "too little natural light" one. If I needed that, I'd step outside. Besides, the daggers of horizontal light through the dust through the shutters are far preferred to the buildings across the street.

(Long time reader, first time writing--an enemy of beige from Brooklyn.)

Seraph + Splendor said...

So great to hear from you! We love the precise (complete with measurements) description of your interior - sounds like you have done quite a wicked job with limited space!
S+S

(IN)DECOROUS TASTE said...

What a cruel joke, a religious nut masquerading as a Scalamandre-carrying UPS delivery man! What's next, will they dress as Santa's elves??

Breaking the rules of good taste is one of my favorite pastimes. Incidentally, so is scaring off the religious nutsos who drive door to door in their BMWs. (Once, a particularly overzealous group actually took it upon themselves to LET THEMSELVES IN and refused to leave except for when I called the police, but THAT'S a story for another day...)

Oh, and my favorite rules to break are the ones that have to do with matching. Each and every one of them, I hate them all. That, and I love small rooms painted in dark colors. And small rooms with large furniture and even larger chandeliers. Lauren

Seraph + Splendor said...

Any fraud involving Scalamandre should be punishable by death or at least a severe caning!!! What a bunch of freaks! Also, we truly share your love of giant chandeliers… the bigger the better…heeee!
S+S

Thombeau said...

I love it all!

Seraph + Splendor said...

Thanks! Always glad when you stop by our gloomy halls!
S+S

Dawn said...

Love your blog. Your clever writing, evocative images and great sense of humor are priceless.

Seraph + Splendor said...

Just stopped by your blog - lovely gardens - think we need to get to work! Nothing but wire vines out there this year...damn...
S+S

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