Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Frigid Bitch


Every year THE POWERS THAT BE come up with new and exciting ways to make summer even more unbearable than it already is. First they burnt a gigantic hole in the atmosphere causing toxic radiation to drip from the sky and now it seems that we are being forced to celebrate CHRISTMAS IN JULY. After several weeks of being barraged with ads expounding the virtues of this concept (if Santa in a pair of Bermuda shorts can be considered a virtue) we have had enough! We do not approve of the concept of Christmas in July in any shape or form, in fact, we do not really approve of Christmas in December either, but that is a story for another day…. If we MUST be forced to celebrate an inane winter holiday in the midst of the dog days of summer it may as well be VALENTINE’S DAY because this time of year we are already scantily clad and sweaty as it is….HA!




Here at Chintz of Darkness we are well aware that everyone and their mother just loves to bask in the summer sunshine for hours on end. We choose NOT to participate in this garish worship of the sun preferring instead to bathe in vats of sun block (a particularly industrial variety that clings to one’s skin much like a smutty latex bodysuit…hmmm…not that we would know anything about THAT…) We then spend the remaining daylight hours hiding under our sofa until dusk when it is finally safe to wander our Obsidian Halls without the risk of being pierced by a stray shaft of sunlight and disintegrating into a puff of dust…trust us, dear readers, we have seen it happen time and time again…



Summer appears to bring out the worst in people’s wardrobes as well. Perhaps the greatest lyric ever written is from The Rolling Stones song “Paint it Black”, which clearly states: “I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes I have to turn my head until my darkness goes…” When writing this song it would appear that Mick and company had an apocalyptic vision of a future full of girls wearing Old Navy sundresses in retina blistering shades of tangerine and pastel plaid shorts FOR MEN. WTF? There is nothing at all wrong with wearing head to toe black every day of the year. Trust us we have been doing it for several decades straight and know what we are talking about…




Truth be told, we DO have to venture out in the sun on occasion in the name of fitness and frugality (no air conditioned gym memberships here, damn it…) During our daily walks our neighborhood gets a chance to poke fun at us and have a good laugh at our expense, referring to us as the MEN IN BLACK (apparently choosing to ignore Splendor’s rather obvious gender…) Even the resident homeless have become fashion police, suggesting that we really should “fade to white” during the summer months. The only ones that are truly on our side are the ominous hordes of ravens (Ok, crows) that live in our area. They at least cack approvingly as we walk by and show their support of us by refraining from crapping on our heads…a small victory, but a victory none the less…




It is time again to crawl back under our sofa and wait patiently for nightfall…Gathered here for your enjoyment is a lovely selection of the glacial tones of ice, snow and sleet. We must indeed have sunstroke because even a little blue is looking cool and appealing right now…and if anyone out there really needs any more proof people are strange and summer is scary please visit the blog Pale is the New Tan…yikes…


 Crystal world with winter flowers

Turns my day to frozen hours

Lying snowblind in the sun

Will my ice age ever come?


(“Snowblind” by Black Sabbath)

26 comments:

The Spooky Vegan said...

Fabulous post and beautiful photos!

I too long for the cool of winter to return...just a few more months to go!

carla fox said...

Oh my. After feasting my eyes on the beautiful images you posted, I checked out Paleisthenewtan. The horror! Now I'm afraid to go to sleep for fear of nightmares of orange people! Egads, what will they think of next, anal bleaching? Uh, I guess that one's already been done....another nightmare in the making! Guess I'll go back and look at all those cooling blue pictures again. I always look forward to your postings. I'm a fan!
Carla

Seraph + Splendor said...

...we share your fears, just think if the orange people start bleaching...ouch...sweet dreams...
S+S

MJ said...

Unattractive footwear ruins summer for me.

I'm talking Crocs, flip-flops and socks with sandals.

(IN)DECOROUS TASTE said...

The only thing good about those industrial sunscreens is that they cast a most delightful glow of WHITE all over the skin...the titanium dioxide and zinc probably? Anyway, it's a very effective foundation, it makes my skin glow. Too bad they smell so damn terrible. Also, is that a giant ice urn?? If I lived in the far north, I'd like to have one of those constructed and permanently situated in my garden. Lauren

Kendra Boutell said...

S + S~ Xmas in July, frightening! I had the misfortune of living in Miami in the early eighties where the Design Center celebrated the very same "holiday" with a Santa wearing pink neon. I felt quite the alien there between avoiding the sun and the garish culture. xo, Kendra

Seraph + Splendor said...

Thanks for the comments everyone!

MJ - how could we forget to mention flip-flops in our tirade against summer?

Lauren - yes, it is ice, it seems that we have a mutual obsession for giant urns...a collection of ice gardens ornaments would amazing...

Kendra - Miami in the 80's??? We can only imagine...

S+S

Jill said...

Beautiful images as usual. I'm one of those preening peacocks in the garish colors. I didn't used to be...my husband changed all of that. Gotta make the man happy!

Christmas in July is bullshit...and we were talking the other day as we drove out of the garage...where all of our ornaments are housed...and I think I've decided that I'm not decorating for Christmas this year. I did it last year...had two parties...and was just burned out. I need a break from the madness. Christmas is for children and the religious...both of which I have not.

Seraph + Splendor said...

...yes, it is jewel tones or bust around here, too! We could not agree with you more about christmas. For us it has morphed into a winter pagan holiday! It does feel good to take a break from all of the decorating every year or so...
S+S

Anonymous said...

My dear children, how can you rail so against the abundance of Summer? Summer is to be welcomed as the season of foetid decomposition; of superabundance for subsequent rotting; the season of blowflies, bluebottles and maggots.It is not winter, with its sterile blasts and frosts, that it is to be celebrated, but rather teeming Summer with its sweltering decay!
Revel! Revel! Revel!
The Lord Mort-en-vie.

Seraph + Splendor said...

...while we agree with you wholeheartedly regarding the decomposition and maggots, we still do not enjoy sunburns and going barefoot in public...
S+S

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Little Brown Sparrow said...

My mind said 'do not click the link' but my fingers rebelled. They are highly repentant, but it cannot be unseen!

Pity me here in Australia, where I am forced to spend Christmas in summer every year. Where even a moment's novelty of overdecorated trees and tables crammed with food is short-lived, because it's carried out in 40 degree heat. When will santa bring me an air-conditioner?

Seraph + Splendor said...

...that is another reason that santa is nothing but a punk ass!!! We crave air conditioning here, too...even though it is somewhat gloomy for most of the year...do not know if we could bear winter without the cold!
S+S

Annie said...

Once again you've feeded my senses with luscious eyecandy. I find a lot of inspiration on your blog. Though I could have lived happily without the knowlegde of the Orange People.

Your welcome to visit my Obsidian Halls ;0)

Stephen said...

I have never been accused of being a Snow Queen... but ths post finds me feeling quite icy...

Seraph + Splendor said...

...hopefully in a good way?
S+S

petoskystone said...

if the orange people start bleaching they will look as horrible as those poor creatures who mistakenly believe applying platinum blonde tint to dark brunette will give them marilyn monroe blonde (as opposed to the burnt umber they ahceive). lovely images, by the way. the only reason for christmas in july is if a person is crafting a gift.

Seraph + Splendor said...

So true on all counts!
S+S

Thombeau said...

You kids crack me up, although I can relate in oh, so many ways!

Beautiful images, as always!

Seraph + Splendor said...

...hee! Thanks for stopping by! We are heading over to The Chateau as we speak!
S+S

Carrie Miller said...

This song is about using cocaine, not actually winter. You know that, right?

Seraph + Splendor said...

…well, duh. But thanks for pointing that out to any of our more naive readers out there!
S+S

Anonymous said...

The last photo in this post is at the Hotel Quitandinha - Petropolis - Rio de Janeiro - Brazil : please check : http://www.flickriver.com/photos/angemon/140771477/

Love you Blog =:)

Thank you

James

Incognita Nom de Plume said...

Hey S&S
I have just plundered your blog for my dinky little pinterest collection -- hope you don't mind. http://pinterest.com/incognita/

Wish that I'd found your blog earlier -- it would have encouraged me to keep Museum of Dust less... well, gathering dust. (wait!... wasn't that what it was meant for?)

Anyway, it is obvious that the best residences are entirely imaginary, so I will be checking back here from time to time to steal your imaginary furnishings et al as decor for my own brain.

Also to explore the remote possibility that Inky and I have doppelgangers in you two -- certainly you seem to have similar wardrobes...

Luxury Apartments Lady said...

These illustrations are beautiful, they take me back to the children's books I read as a child!

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