Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Living in Fiction

Attending a cultural event (say such a as museum show) can be an educational and enlightening experience. On the day of the show, the FIRST thing that Splendor learned was that her closet contains many strange and wonderful things…spiky Victorian style boots with skull buttons, flowing velvet jackets in gloomy shades of death, ash and midnight and an endless supply of skirts adorned with lacing, zippers and buckles. What this closet of curiosities DOES NOT contain is a winter coat, a pair sensible shoes or any other “NORMAL” attire that should be worn in public during daylight hours. 

Now the SECOND thing that Splendor learned is that wearing a lace mini skirt and knee high lace up boots to a posh art exhibit will only lead to further scrutiny of one’s person.  Although not out rightly stated, there seemed to be a lingering connotation by some that Splendor’s hair is too long, her garments too strange and her general demeanor too scandalous to be considered “professional” and that henceforth she should no to be allowed in to roam freely, mingling with the general public…HA!  As to which Belphegor hoodie Seraph decided to wear, that is a story for another day…

Now Splendor’s first experience with PROPER BUSINESS ATTIRE occurred back at her first job in high school where it was promptly pointed out that one CANNOT come to work in a Venom t-shirt reeking of Jack Daniel’s and sin and was expected instead to wear a white blouse, a knee length white skirt and a FREAKING PINK APRON (…the horror…the horror…)  In case there ever is a Chintz of Darkness category on an upcoming Jeopardy show, the answer to the question would be BAKERY for 1000 points, Alex.  And what a fine establishment it was…

Now just to set the stage, one only needs to imagine a stately brick building with an elegant tailored awning on a quaint tree lined lane.  Upon entering the dignified double doorway, one was promptly greeted with a greasy crumb strewn floor, hazy frosting smudged walls and a collection of rickety cafĂ© tables with mismatched chairs held together with duct tape and string.  Other highlights included a lecherous cocaine huffing boss, an infestation of cockroaches (that yes, now that you asked, dear readers, dropped from the ceiling into vats of chocolate icing on a hourly basis…) and of course let’s not forget about the flasher and his gigantic…er…oh, never mind…Did we mention that both of the dishwashers and one of the bakers were registered sex offenders?  And last but not least, who could forget about the “Apple Strudel” that they sold at Christmas time after gathering racks of rotten pastries throughout the year and grinding them up as filling?  We kid you not, this putrid pastry resembled a MUMMIFIED ZOMBIE ARM, complete with brown flaking skin and an odd odor…

Indeed, Splendor’s first job taught her many important life lessons such as the value of earning one’s own money, as well as  how to avoid getting groped while carrying two trays of doughnuts, how to fend off marriage proposals from pedophiles and the subtle art of  “borrowing” bus money from the till…  Needless to say, the bakery eventually filed for bankruptcy and closed its doors...soon after that Splendor joined the racks of the self employed and has never looked back…

…and yes, self employment is a joyous situation where no one minds if you show up to work in your BIRTHDAY SUIT instead of a business suit. In fact around here they (as in Seraph) rather encourage it…hee!

So how do YOU earn your keep, dear readers?

Please stop by for a visit to our new ETSY SHOP. Thanks!

Unveiled in death to the sinner
Written in the ancient book of lies
Hear the demons call
From the crimson waterfall
As the blood rains from the skies

("Seven Gates of Hell" by Venom)

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Siren Song

As to the recent happenings around our haunted halls: yes, the kitchen here at Chintz of Darkness is fully functional and is in fact OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY.  If one has a craving for a toasted cheese sandwich sprinkled with fresh basil and parmesan shavings at four in the morning that request can quite often be granted (although the clattering of pans will undoubtedly wake up the ghosts and the chef on duty is not likely to be *completely* sober…hmm…)

This must be clearly stated in advance because for some unbeknownst reason Seraph + Splendor are perceived as the kind of people that are quite incapable of cooking for themselves.  We are not sure where this perception comes from but there are those who think that we survive on a diet entirely consisting of ABSINTHE AND HUMAN BLOOD that is served to us in jeweled skull goblets by a pair of bats that we have enslaved into infernal servitude.  While that is fine and dandy for special occasions it is problematic for everyday living.  Not only do the bat’s leashes get tangled in Splendor’s unruly hair but they tend to have, hmm how shall we put it?  POOR BATHROOM ETIQUETTE…HA! 

Truth be told, our kitchen is a haven of domestic bliss (as long as one is careful to avoid the demonic portals in several of the frying pans and NEVER look the garbage disposal directly in the eyes…) Culinary tasks are of course divided evenly and everyone (even the bats) take turns doing the dishes. 

When it comes to preparing our evening meals, Seraph is quite famous for his fiery hot barbecued chicken.  This eyebrow blistering recipe is of course TOP SECRET, but one can only assume the main ingredient is MOLTEN LAVA. Perhaps it is an overstatement to claim that pillars of fire shoot out of the oven during the preparation of this delectable delicacy but let’s just say that the kitchen cabinets are charred beyond recognition in a five foot radius around the stove and the scent of brimstone hangs in the air.  Unfortunately, we are not at liberty at this time to discuss the “incident” with the tandoori chicken that set off the fire alarm and caused the evacuation of our entire building…  We just count ourselves lucky that the TOXIC SPICE CLOUD could not be traced back to our apartment… (yet…damn)

While Seraph is renowned for his panic producing poultry preparations (hee!), Splendor’s claim to fame is making a mess.  As the saying goes, dear readers, there comes a time when one simply must wash their hands of things.  Usually this happens right after Splendor makes a peanut butter & jelly sandwich or with anything involving mayonnaise, butter or cheese (do not even ask…)  and if there is any flour being used it would be advised to grab an umbrella before entering the kitchen…but that is neither nor there. 

When it comes to serving our meals, our everyday dishes are a sullen assortment of black plates and mismatched bowls that have followed us home from Goodwill over the years.  Complimenting this troubled tableware is our set of blood red goblets etched with cryptic flourishes, and of course our wrought iron silverware (ironwear?) reminiscent of a Karl Blossfeldt photograph.  Needless to say this odd assemblage results in a rather spooky dining experience for all involved…  

We do have a set of “Good” china (as opposed to the bad natured and slutty china mentioned above.) It is a lovely heirloom set straight from the prim and proper 1950’s complete with delicate rose hues blossoms and dainty flowing lines. Now, we can already hear you laughing, dear readers, but instead of looking at this as a DETRIMENT TO DARKNESS we just use our menacing serpent candleholders and a set of glass apples to create a miniature reenactment of the Garden of Eden. All that is missing is a scantily clad “Eve” centerpiece …Volunteers anyone?

Tell us, what is on YOUR plate tonight?

Also, we would like to say a very special thanks to Carla, Mo & everyone else that has stopped by to visit our new shop!

The fields and dwellings of relapsing ruins
Find thou thyself in every star
Achieve thou every possibility
Listen! Heed not the siren-voice of thought

(“Descent to Acheron” by Absu)
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