Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Living in Fiction


Attending a cultural event (say such a as museum show) can be an educational and enlightening experience. On the day of the show, the FIRST thing that Splendor learned was that her closet contains many strange and wonderful things…spiky Victorian style boots with skull buttons, flowing velvet jackets in gloomy shades of death, ash and midnight and an endless supply of skirts adorned with lacing, zippers and buckles. What this closet of curiosities DOES NOT contain is a winter coat, a pair sensible shoes or any other “NORMAL” attire that should be worn in public during daylight hours. 


Now the SECOND thing that Splendor learned is that wearing a lace mini skirt and knee high lace up boots to a posh art exhibit will only lead to further scrutiny of one’s person.  Although not out rightly stated, there seemed to be a lingering connotation by some that Splendor’s hair is too long, her garments too strange and her general demeanor too scandalous to be considered “professional” and that henceforth she should no to be allowed in to roam freely, mingling with the general public…HA!  As to which Belphegor hoodie Seraph decided to wear, that is a story for another day…


Now Splendor’s first experience with PROPER BUSINESS ATTIRE occurred back at her first job in high school where it was promptly pointed out that one CANNOT come to work in a Venom t-shirt reeking of Jack Daniel’s and sin and was expected instead to wear a white blouse, a knee length white skirt and a FREAKING PINK APRON (…the horror…the horror…)  In case there ever is a Chintz of Darkness category on an upcoming Jeopardy show, the answer to the question would be BAKERY for 1000 points, Alex.  And what a fine establishment it was…


Now just to set the stage, one only needs to imagine a stately brick building with an elegant tailored awning on a quaint tree lined lane.  Upon entering the dignified double doorway, one was promptly greeted with a greasy crumb strewn floor, hazy frosting smudged walls and a collection of rickety cafĂ© tables with mismatched chairs held together with duct tape and string.  Other highlights included a lecherous cocaine huffing boss, an infestation of cockroaches (that yes, now that you asked, dear readers, dropped from the ceiling into vats of chocolate icing on a hourly basis…) and of course let’s not forget about the flasher and his gigantic…er…oh, never mind…Did we mention that both of the dishwashers and one of the bakers were registered sex offenders?  And last but not least, who could forget about the “Apple Strudel” that they sold at Christmas time after gathering racks of rotten pastries throughout the year and grinding them up as filling?  We kid you not, this putrid pastry resembled a MUMMIFIED ZOMBIE ARM, complete with brown flaking skin and an odd odor…


Indeed, Splendor’s first job taught her many important life lessons such as the value of earning one’s own money, as well as  how to avoid getting groped while carrying two trays of doughnuts, how to fend off marriage proposals from pedophiles and the subtle art of  “borrowing” bus money from the till…  Needless to say, the bakery eventually filed for bankruptcy and closed its doors...soon after that Splendor joined the racks of the self employed and has never looked back…


…and yes, self employment is a joyous situation where no one minds if you show up to work in your BIRTHDAY SUIT instead of a business suit. In fact around here they (as in Seraph) rather encourage it…hee!

So how do YOU earn your keep, dear readers?

Please stop by for a visit to our new ETSY SHOP. Thanks!



Unveiled in death to the sinner
Written in the ancient book of lies
Hear the demons call
From the crimson waterfall
As the blood rains from the skies

("Seven Gates of Hell" by Venom)

23 comments:

GlenH said...

I fix petrol pumps...almost as darkly glamorous as a bakery.

Seraph + Splendor said...

...hee! Splendor sez: that job traumatized me for life...I cannot stand the smell of doughnuts to this day!!!
S+S

carla fox said...

Please tell us they didn't make poor Splendor wear one of those little "Hazel" type maid's hats! What a story! Love the leopard/chintz pillows!
P.S. I worked graveyard shift in a jerky factory (as a teenager)...now there's a nightmare for you!

Seraph + Splendor said...

...a dorky hat would have been the deal breaker...damn...put it this way, I am surprised that they did not make us dress up as slutty teenage beer maidens...
S+S

Jill said...

Red libraries...yay!

Seraph + Splendor said...

Good to hear from you Jill...red libraries are HOT (no pun intended!)
S+S

MJ said...

Oh, you must bring your story over to my "Career Paths" post.

As for clothing, Mistress MJ also has a closet of curiosities.

Just don't ask her about her oversized, overstuffed, unattractive outdoor winterwear.

Fashion goes out the window when your overcoat comes with a "Windchill Calcultor" tag.

Seraph + Splendor said...

While not as chilly as Canada, Seattle is NOT known for its lovely weather...perhaps it is time for Seraph + Splendor to take Mistress MJ's lead and get some PROPER OUTERWEAR...damn...
S+S

nowitsdark1978 said...

Just found your site, and I love it.
Right after high school, I opened a coffee house. It lasted about three years and then, alas, I had to start doing REAL work.
These days, I'm an American Sign Language Interpreter. Not self employed, exactly, but the next best thing.

Seraph + Splendor said...

So glad that you found us!
S+S

Tash said...

i turely adore your blog
its is jam packed with currious odities. if only i could live in these pictures

Seraph + Splendor said...

...thank you for the kind words, Tash!
S+S

Elgart said...

Nice blog! Hope someone can visit mine BugabooFlick.

Wayne Chisnall said...

Love your blog. 'Chintz of Darkness' - fantastic title.

Seraph + Splendor said...

...so glad that you like it!
S+S

MJ said...

Happy HoliDAZE from Mistress MJ!

alexandra grecco said...

lovely blog and shop!

xo

Alexandra
www.alexandragrecco.etsy.com

Thombeau said...

Your images are always so fabulous, I just want to disappear into them! Sigh...

arcanethings said...

The most beautifully darkly decadent blog ever!!!

Sending you love from a very wintery Scotland......x

Anonymous said...

Von Stuck-watcher at the Frye has discovered you but, alas... it seems too late! Is there no more?

Chintz of Darkness was so close to my heart... it may have been yours.

Beautiful postings and wonderfully worn threads to so many unique illustrations of a life yet to live.
Thank you for all the beauty.

EFT for Cancer said...

I wish I have a library like this! It's so lovely.

Seraph + Splendor said...

THANK YOU EVERYONE...BACK SOON JUST IN TIME FOR A WICKED VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!
S+S

Charlotte said...

Hi, I just found your blog and I absolutely love your pictures! I'm currently studying books for an art GCSE project, please could I have your permission to use you ideas for my own work/show my art teacher your pictures? my twitter is @noveltea if you could reply please :3

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