Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Siren Song

As to the recent happenings around our haunted halls: yes, the kitchen here at Chintz of Darkness is fully functional and is in fact OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY.  If one has a craving for a toasted cheese sandwich sprinkled with fresh basil and parmesan shavings at four in the morning that request can quite often be granted (although the clattering of pans will undoubtedly wake up the ghosts and the chef on duty is not likely to be *completely* sober…hmm…)

This must be clearly stated in advance because for some unbeknownst reason Seraph + Splendor are perceived as the kind of people that are quite incapable of cooking for themselves.  We are not sure where this perception comes from but there are those who think that we survive on a diet entirely consisting of ABSINTHE AND HUMAN BLOOD that is served to us in jeweled skull goblets by a pair of bats that we have enslaved into infernal servitude.  While that is fine and dandy for special occasions it is problematic for everyday living.  Not only do the bat’s leashes get tangled in Splendor’s unruly hair but they tend to have, hmm how shall we put it?  POOR BATHROOM ETIQUETTE…HA! 

Truth be told, our kitchen is a haven of domestic bliss (as long as one is careful to avoid the demonic portals in several of the frying pans and NEVER look the garbage disposal directly in the eyes…) Culinary tasks are of course divided evenly and everyone (even the bats) take turns doing the dishes. 

When it comes to preparing our evening meals, Seraph is quite famous for his fiery hot barbecued chicken.  This eyebrow blistering recipe is of course TOP SECRET, but one can only assume the main ingredient is MOLTEN LAVA. Perhaps it is an overstatement to claim that pillars of fire shoot out of the oven during the preparation of this delectable delicacy but let’s just say that the kitchen cabinets are charred beyond recognition in a five foot radius around the stove and the scent of brimstone hangs in the air.  Unfortunately, we are not at liberty at this time to discuss the “incident” with the tandoori chicken that set off the fire alarm and caused the evacuation of our entire building…  We just count ourselves lucky that the TOXIC SPICE CLOUD could not be traced back to our apartment… (yet…damn)

While Seraph is renowned for his panic producing poultry preparations (hee!), Splendor’s claim to fame is making a mess.  As the saying goes, dear readers, there comes a time when one simply must wash their hands of things.  Usually this happens right after Splendor makes a peanut butter & jelly sandwich or with anything involving mayonnaise, butter or cheese (do not even ask…)  and if there is any flour being used it would be advised to grab an umbrella before entering the kitchen…but that is neither nor there. 

When it comes to serving our meals, our everyday dishes are a sullen assortment of black plates and mismatched bowls that have followed us home from Goodwill over the years.  Complimenting this troubled tableware is our set of blood red goblets etched with cryptic flourishes, and of course our wrought iron silverware (ironwear?) reminiscent of a Karl Blossfeldt photograph.  Needless to say this odd assemblage results in a rather spooky dining experience for all involved…  

We do have a set of “Good” china (as opposed to the bad natured and slutty china mentioned above.) It is a lovely heirloom set straight from the prim and proper 1950’s complete with delicate rose hues blossoms and dainty flowing lines. Now, we can already hear you laughing, dear readers, but instead of looking at this as a DETRIMENT TO DARKNESS we just use our menacing serpent candleholders and a set of glass apples to create a miniature reenactment of the Garden of Eden. All that is missing is a scantily clad “Eve” centerpiece …Volunteers anyone?

Tell us, what is on YOUR plate tonight?

Also, we would like to say a very special thanks to Carla, Mo & everyone else that has stopped by to visit our new shop!

The fields and dwellings of relapsing ruins
Find thou thyself in every star
Achieve thou every possibility
Listen! Heed not the siren-voice of thought

(“Descent to Acheron” by Absu)


Eve said...

"Volunteers anyone?"

Well, Eve happens to be my real name....

i did not design this game i did not name the stakes i just happen to like apples and i am not afraid of snakes

GlenH said...

I always thought Casa Seraph+Splendor would have decent food- it's hard to imagine KFC or Pizza Hut take-outs littering its sepulchral grandeur! P.S drop over and check out my Victorian Gentlemen sometime http://beautimen.blogspot.com/

Seraph + Splendor said...

Eve: Hee!!!

Glen: Thank you so much - we will stop by soon!

Thanks for the comments!


carla fox said...

You are VERY welcome! Can't wait to receive my new treasure....your Etsy shop is beautiful, and I love the new look of my favorite blog!

As to kitchens...I haven't looked under my sink in ages. Talk about portals to the underworld...

Seraph + Splendor said...

...sending it right now!!! As to under the sink...let's just say the last plumber that was over was never heard from again...yikes...

Anonymous said...

Hello, Kids. Carla and I await our respective treasures. WHAT IS THE HOLDUP? Oh....only ordered a coup'la hours ago? Am I a bitsy anxious to receive what will be my most fantastic purchase of this year? I can barely wait to hold in my hands what you have created from gossamer detritus and both devi-lish and holy objects. I love your magic and your art and writing. But you have outed yourselves as "norms" by talking about grilled cheese sandwiches. Keep up the facade. Love and prosperity, Mo

Seraph + Splendor said...

You shall be receiving your little demons shortly for they are no longer in our hands - we kissed them goodbye and sent them to their true home (they seemed quite happy indeed!) Toasted cheese...hee!

Carla Fox said...

Oh, my...I just received my purchase from your Etsy shop and it is STUNNING!! Really, it's almost TOO nice for this old country gal (I don't get out much...)But I shall sashay down the aisle of Safeway and let all the locals wonder...(I'm sure they do anyway;) Seriously, the photos don't do your work justice. Can't wait to see more of your creations. Kudos, you two!

Seraph + Splendor said...

Thanks you so much, Carla - you really made our day!!! (and it has been a weird one...) Again, we are so glad that you have this piece! Have fun sashaying down the aisles...hee!

MJ said...

Here's an idea...

Sneaking unusual items into unsuspecting shoppers' food baskets at Safeway can be fun!

DeLeva said...

I wanted to let you know that the Vampire Ball in Portland is looking for Dark bands to play at the ball.
Do you happen to know any local bands in Portland, Tacoma or Seattle that might want to send Lady Raven a demo?

Anonymous said...

Hail to you both, Seraph and Splendor,
you made me giggle once again with your hellish sweet post. But I also must admit that I am somewhat disappointed about your nightly meals - I expected something more sinister, appropriate like a worm salad with barbecued roaches, a horn full of honey with a bit of arsenic frosting etc. etc.
Btw - the photos you posted are fantstic and there is more than one piece I would love to call my own... but alas my kemmenate is already stuffed...
Hellish greetings from Munich,

PS - just found your shop! Wish you seven times more luck and success!!!

Seraph + Splendor said...

MJ: We are beginning to think that you are a troublemaker...and we LOVE it!

DeLeva: Let us think...most of our band friends are black / death metal...do you know Joy Von Spain...she know everybody and everything in the scene here in town.

Petra: so good to hear from you...wish we could come for a visit sometime. Now, we are sorry to be a disappointment, but Seraph + Splendor had to start eating healthier...blame it on a helpless addition to cooking shows. But fear not! We do however still have the "special" cookbook can only be opened with a spell...hee!

Again - thanks everyone for your comments!


Anonymous said...

Oh, Oh.
Help, help, help me Rhonda!
I just received my goodies today.
Review pending of the absolutely EXQUISITE WORK of these creations.
But tonight, all I can say is that I examined and oggled the apple for a full 15 minutes and the pear for 12 minutes. Oh, my goblin! They sell stuff at Hall's (yes, THAT Hallmark)here in KCMO that is made in China, twice the price, inferior, and pales (tanks)in comparison. My only thought is that rather than delete items sold from the site, you should keep pix up with a "sold" sign to let everyone know what they missed!
Mo at home with apple and pear

Seraph + Splendor said...

Thank you Mo! So glad that they arrived at their new home!!! We seriously appreciate all of your kind words!!!

Stéphane Malingue said...

Fabulous selection, j'adore, stéphane

Seraph + Splendor said...

Great to hear from you, Stéphane!

Anonymous said...

I have just discovered you via Etsy. Now, my heart is in my throat as I look at your blog. True heaven!

Are you a member of the Etsydarkteam? If not, you would probably love it.

I will definitely be back to explore more.

Seraph + Splendor said...

So glad that you have found our blog and also thanks for visiting our store!

Jill said...

I love all things "grotto"...a Magical New Year to you both.

Seraph + Splendor said...

Thanks, Jill!!!

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