Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Frigid Bitch


Every year THE POWERS THAT BE come up with new and exciting ways to make summer even more unbearable than it already is. First they burnt a gigantic hole in the atmosphere causing toxic radiation to drip from the sky and now it seems that we are being forced to celebrate CHRISTMAS IN JULY. After several weeks of being barraged with ads expounding the virtues of this concept (if Santa in a pair of Bermuda shorts can be considered a virtue) we have had enough! We do not approve of the concept of Christmas in July in any shape or form, in fact, we do not really approve of Christmas in December either, but that is a story for another day…. If we MUST be forced to celebrate an inane winter holiday in the midst of the dog days of summer it may as well be VALENTINE’S DAY because this time of year we are already scantily clad and sweaty as it is….HA!




Here at Chintz of Darkness we are well aware that everyone and their mother just loves to bask in the summer sunshine for hours on end. We choose NOT to participate in this garish worship of the sun preferring instead to bathe in vats of sun block (a particularly industrial variety that clings to one’s skin much like a smutty latex bodysuit…hmmm…not that we would know anything about THAT…) We then spend the remaining daylight hours hiding under our sofa until dusk when it is finally safe to wander our Obsidian Halls without the risk of being pierced by a stray shaft of sunlight and disintegrating into a puff of dust…trust us, dear readers, we have seen it happen time and time again…



Summer appears to bring out the worst in people’s wardrobes as well. Perhaps the greatest lyric ever written is from The Rolling Stones song “Paint it Black”, which clearly states: “I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes I have to turn my head until my darkness goes…” When writing this song it would appear that Mick and company had an apocalyptic vision of a future full of girls wearing Old Navy sundresses in retina blistering shades of tangerine and pastel plaid shorts FOR MEN. WTF? There is nothing at all wrong with wearing head to toe black every day of the year. Trust us we have been doing it for several decades straight and know what we are talking about…




Truth be told, we DO have to venture out in the sun on occasion in the name of fitness and frugality (no air conditioned gym memberships here, damn it…) During our daily walks our neighborhood gets a chance to poke fun at us and have a good laugh at our expense, referring to us as the MEN IN BLACK (apparently choosing to ignore Splendor’s rather obvious gender…) Even the resident homeless have become fashion police, suggesting that we really should “fade to white” during the summer months. The only ones that are truly on our side are the ominous hordes of ravens (Ok, crows) that live in our area. They at least cack approvingly as we walk by and show their support of us by refraining from crapping on our heads…a small victory, but a victory none the less…




It is time again to crawl back under our sofa and wait patiently for nightfall…Gathered here for your enjoyment is a lovely selection of the glacial tones of ice, snow and sleet. We must indeed have sunstroke because even a little blue is looking cool and appealing right now…and if anyone out there really needs any more proof people are strange and summer is scary please visit the blog Pale is the New Tan…yikes…


 Crystal world with winter flowers

Turns my day to frozen hours

Lying snowblind in the sun

Will my ice age ever come?


(“Snowblind” by Black Sabbath)

Friday, July 2, 2010

B is for...


Now as much as it is wished otherwise Seraph + Splendor must abide by the law of the land just like everyone else. It seems that we are NOT entitled to some special pass or a get out of jail free card simply because we choose to live by an imaginary set of rules and regulations that we have MADE UP ENTIRELY IN OUR HEADS. And although we rather resent a rabid respect of rules we nonetheless buckle our seat belts, rinse our recyclables and restrain from recklessness. HA! In spite of that we still find plenty of time in the day to break the rules of convention, scale, proportion and of course good taste…hee!





Breaking with religious taboos and traditions is a favorite pastime around here as well. You know those freaks in the white short sleeve shirts that come by trying to interest you in some strange religion? Recently a gaggle of those weirdos gained access to our building under quite false pretences claiming to be UPS (because that’s what Jesus would do, right?) Here in our gloomy Obsidian Halls we adhere to the axiom WHAT WOULD NATTEFROST DO? (WWND for short, if you would like to get a bracelet made) but we do not go around trying to convert people to our evil ways by making them listen to the album Blood and Vomit until they crack and began writing a SO CALLED DESIGN BLOG riddled with obscure black metal references and have to learn to live with a growing collection of irreversible carpet stains. But that is a story for another day…




Anyways as soon as Splendor opened the door (anticipating a delivery from ScalamandrĂ©, no less…) she was immediately addressed with the impertinent question “ARE YOU THE PERSON HERE THAT LIVES IN SIN?” Finding it doubtful that they were actually fans of Chintz of Darkness, timid Splendor assumed that she appeared in need of salvation. To make a long story even longer Seraph took offence to people speaking rudely to Splendor and made one of them cry and the other one pee his pants, oh excuse us slacks…HAIL…oh never mind…




The laws of scale and proportion can be broken into several bite sized pieces or completely shattered beyond recognition, it is all up to you, dear readers. For example, you can confound and confuse tall guests by hanging all of your lanterns and chandeliers menacingly low much like a cave full of glittering (yet chic) stalactites. Our collection of antique glass lanterns that adorns the kitchen ceiling dangles at such a precarious level that they have been hit more than one time with an errant baguette and once with A PARTICULARLY AMPLE SQUASH…yikes…



Another example of this eccentricity here at Chintz of Darkness is an overabundance of low hanging valances. Our bedroom doorway is draped with an Arabian Nights worthy concoction of brocade, velvet and beaded tassels that sweeps down in an overly dramatic fashion leaving only a scant 5 ½ foot tall (otherwise known as Splendor sized…HA!) opening that one must shimmy through to reach the room beyond…In the front parlor there is also an impossibly narrow passageway through several sets of portieres that force unsuspecting guests to spontaneously learn a strange version of the limbo if trying reach the safety of the sofa…



Gathered here is a selection of BAT WINGS, BLASPHEMY AND OF COURSE BLACK which we hope will inspire you to go make some trouble of your own. Tell us, dear readers, what rules do you willfully break?

I invoke thee, possessor of all hidden keys
God of the unknown and the lawless ecstasies
initiate me, thy most faithful child
In the darkest of mysteries and all pleasurable crimes

(“Xeper-I-Set” by Dissection)
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