Saturday, February 5, 2011

Heart of Darkness

Ok, as to the recent happenings here at Chintz of Darkness…Seraph + Splendor have started smoking again…NOW DO NOT PANIC or send in a skilled intervention team to rescue us from our seemingly wayward ways…we STOPPED SMOKING CIGARETTES YEARS AGO and are simply referring to the copious quantities of smog coming out of our ears due to the ongoing financial fiasco happening here in America. Now the LAST thing we want to do is to start getting pointedly political on a blog exclusively dedicated to DECADENCE AND DEBAUCHERY, so we will refrain from blaming an assortment of twits, tea baggers and a certain unintelligible Texan for the current woes befalling our country. As to the hazy cloud that hangs over the Turkish Smoking Parlor (aka, the master bath) you will have to ask Seraph about that personally…HA!

During these trying economic times one must be ever vigilant in regards to the household budget. This is of particular importance if one lives in a dank and drafty mansion THAT EXISTS COMPLETELY IN ONES MIND. Recently entire wings of our Obsidian Halls have fallen into disrepair and regrettably we have had to lay off much of our staff. The Zoological Garden and Aviary were the first to suffer resulting in the misplacing of a large gilded elephant and a flock of glass songbirds. The Orangery and the adjacent Orchard Room are currently manned by a small but reliable skeleton crew (yes, and we do mean a LITERAL SKELETON CREW) that produce an abundant crop of forbidden fruit, poisonous pears and absinthe laced apples. We are also pleased to report that the Music Room is still in full swing and that the Formal Gardens are in the capable hands (paws?) of the resident squirrels. There was only one minor mishap when our furry friends took the liberty to rearrange the Bone Altars, pointing a particularly frisky femur toward the street causing a series of minor fenders benders…

Splendor was quite reluctant to let her chambermaids go, because who else is going to spend hours on end brushing the knots out of her hair, lacing her corsets and painting her nails, all the while listening to her scream “LET THEM EAT CAKE, MOTHERF%#CKERS” and hurling silk slippers at their heads? Now everyone knows that Splendor does not ACTUALLY behave that way in real life… (or does she???) While NOT prone to fits and tantrums, she has on occasion with scuffled her Fluevog’s, but that was only after they viciously attacked her and ripped a hole in her fishnets…but THAT is a story for another day…

Seraph on the other hand, had the unfortunate task of breaking the news to the Master Hostler and his crew of dimwitted stable boys. It seemed a logical cost cutting maneuver because less of our house guests arrive on horseback nowadays and our imaginary pet goats are quite capable of taking care of themselves, thank you very much. After all they live on a diet of dust and debris, which grows plentifully throughout our Obsidian Halls. Although stoic, Seraph seems to miss his gigantic black charger named Mephistopheles but luckily he still finds time to put on his armor and swing his sword around…hee!

But not to worry, dear readers, there are many bright (?) things on the horizon here at Chintz of Darkness and fund raising opportunities abound. Not only are we considering starting a D&D…and, yes you read that right, dear readers, a DUNGEON & DINER…a B&B is quite out of the question because quite frankly we are in no mood to get up at the CRACK OF DAWN to make cinnamon rolls but are not at all opposed to evenings filled with FLOGGING AND FONDUE…

And on a side note – does the phase “Crack of Dawn” bring to mind visions of some cheesy 80’s porn flick starring Muffy Manslave and Seymour Butts? Just curious, not that we would know anything about things like that…would you?

Let me roam in the shadows of the graveyard
I crunch the wings of angels beneath my feet
Candlelight dances through the darkness
Angels aflame scream to the midnight skies
In the shadows of the graveyard

(“Graveyards and Dead Angels” by Goatwhore)
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